For the last few months it's been taking me at least an hour to get to and from work - normally it's a half-hour - and it's putting me in a really bad mood. Usually when I'm in a bad mood I just think about how big my johnson is and how lucky I am, but not today. Today is just one of those days. However, I have always said that all of life should be appreciated, whether it's the hardships or the blessings. We're alive aren't we? We should be grateful for it. Therefore, the following Top Ten will be "The Top Ten Worst Feelings Life Has To Offer." Now of course there are obvious health-related obstacles that everyone is most likely going to endure (i.e. death, breaking a bone, illness, butt-fisting), and since I'm not one to be too morbid, those will be omitted. Again, the list is relative. This is my version, not yours. So there.
Editor's Note: Before I continue I would like to let you all know that I am still getting complaints that 1) I'm an asshole and 2) The blogs are too long. I have the perfect solution for you - if you fit under category number one: stop reading. If you fit under category number two: stop reading. It's very simple. See the thing is, this blog is for my friends. My friends know most of these stories and they know that I'm exaggerating to make stories more humorous. If you're reading this right now not knowing who I am, you're gonna think I'm a total jerk-off. If you do know who I am, you still might think I'm a total jerk-off. Either way, I know I'm not, so fuck you and learn how to take a joke. Wow that was mean. Sorry...like I said it's one of those days. Anyway, the usual footnotes will give proper explanations. This will undoubtedly be my longest entry so far, so if you can't handle it all in one sitting, I don't blame you. Good thing this blog is for my own therapeutic reasons and not for your amusement.
"The Top Ten Worst Feelings Life Has To Offer"
1) Having a horrible hangover.
2) Getting dumped for the first time by a girl you love or think you love.
3) When a good friend is really pissed off at you.
4) Bad mushroom trip.
5) High school summer school.
6) One of those I-have-to-wipe-a-hundred-times shits.
7) Sitting in traffic.
8) Being up money while gambling, then ultimately being down money.
9) Losing a sporting event you've participated in.
10) Having an amazing dream.
Missed the Cut:
Going to the dentist.
Having a random nosebleed on your girlfriend.
1) Having a horrible hangover: I can't think of anything worse. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with something, but nothing sucks more than a hangover. You have the spins, you can't sleep, your head hurts, you're hungry but can't eat, and everything makes you nauseous. There's only one thing that can instantly cure a hangover, and that's the greenery. A couple of puffs of the magic dragon then you go right back to sleep...it's a beautiful thing. Unfortunately on the last cruise I went on you couldn't have gange on the boat, so I was literally in bed for 24 hours: That was my worst hangover ever. I'll never forget that Kodak moment when I was vomiting in the toilet in a bathroom the size of your typical hotel bathroom. My buddy Ace was standing next to me brushing his teeth, like someone wasn't puking their balls out right next to him. Meanwhile Rob is in the shower, with the water temperature changing drastically every time I flushed the toilet (I flushed the toilet at least 10 times), but he was too nice to say anything because he's a polite Asian boy. My second-worst hangover was in college: This chick was in my bed and we did the narsty at like 6:30 in the morning. I'm not kidding when I say 10 seconds after I finished, I ran into the bathroom and puked like it was my job. So I kicked the girl out of my room and smoked...it took me a half-hour to roll it because I kept vomiting in between. Wait, does that mean I'm gay? Shit.
2) Getting dumped for the first time by a girl you love or think you love: Ouch. You're really happy with your relationship; you think everything is going so well. Then you hear, "We have to talk." Those are four words you never want to hear. Then you proceed to have a multiple-hour conversation about why you were a bad boyfriend, or you get the "it's not you it's me," which we know is bullshit. I've only been dumped once, and it sucked. On the bright side it's a learning experience, and once you're able to reflect on the relationship from outside the box, you can use those experiences to your advantage for future relationships. On a related note, being the one who dumps someone doesn't feel that good either, unless of course you're this guy:
Dumping-a-cheating-bitch Tangent: I've mentioned my sailor buddy before. This time it's about a friend of his from the academy, who I'll refer to as Bob. Bob had a girlfriend; through the grape vine, Bob found out his girlfriend cheated on him. Bob opts not to say anything, waiting to see if his girlfriend admits what she did; she never does. About a week later, the couple is having sex in the missionary position. Right as Bob is about to bust, he pulls out, removes the condom, then blows one all over her and says, "That's for cheating on me bitch," then leaves and never talks to her again. Bob, you are my fucking idol.
3) When a good friend is really pissed off at you: It's just really awkward, and it consumes your mind. All you think about is when you're going to make up, or when they're going to call you, or how it's going to affect the rest of your friends. I fucking hate it. You just want to get it over with, as opposed to having a girlfriend being pissed at you, when you know you're about to have some sweet makeup sex. That's definitely the second-best type of sex. The best is when you're both just ridiculously horny and you jump each other's bones like you're gonna die tomorrow. The worst type of sex is the "hate fuck." For those who don't know, a hate fuck is consensual sex, but the guy is secretly really pissed off at the girl, which causes him to fuck her extra hard. I did it once, and it was fucking bullshit. It was almost as if I was rewarding her for being a bitch. She was loving it, meanwhile I'm thrusting as hard as I can, thinking, "God I hate this woman."
4) Bad mushroom trip: "Fight the demons, fight the demons." Those are words you never want to have to say to yourself. I always heard about bad trips, but not until I experienced it did I realize how horrible they are. You feel trapped in your own mind and there's nowhere to run. You would think you could just calm down and think happy thoughts, but it's really not that easy. Usually I try to incorporate humor into each of my Top Ten explanations, but there's really nothing funny about this.
Editor's Note: There is, however, many things funny about your grandma wearing my wife-beater and mesh shorts after I boned her. Hey-O!
5) High school summer school: Everyone is having fun and what are you doing? You're sitting in a fucking classroom in 95 degree weather with retards. That doesn't sound very fun, does it? Granted that implies I'm a retard, but in reality I just didn't do the work required and the teacher didn't like me. The other kids in the class? Retards.
Retard Tangent: After volunteering for Special Olympics every week for two years and consistently babysitting a "challenged" boy, I believe I have earned the right to say retard. Say what you want, but in reality you're just upset that you're one of the many fake-ass people who thinks that showing up on the day of Special Olympics makes you "a caring person." Try teaching these intelligent drooling folk how to play hockey and follow directions on a weekly basis, instead of running next to them once a year screaming, "Come on! You can do it Joey!" and thinking you accomplished something. Try taking a misbehaved retarded 14-year-old boy with raging hormones to the 3rd biggest mall in America, then talk to me.
6) One of those I-have-to-wipe-a-hundred-times shits: Man those suck. You just wanna get off the toilet and go about your day, but you can't...you have to keep wiping because you decided to eat pink marshmallow fluff with fried chicken at 5 a.m. Of course you can always say, "Fuck it, I wiped most of it," but we all know that can be very risky.
7) Sitting in traffic: The key to making it through a successful traffic session is good music and/or a solid fantasy about a hot chick. There's also a certain illegal activity one can partake in that does not involve alcohol, but I do not recommend that for everyone. Jerking off in traffic is way too risky, and judging by #6 I'm not one to take risks. Although I did jerk off once on the highway when traffic was flowing. It was really weird; coincidentally as I was finishing I had to get off at an exit. That was interesting.
Road Head Tangent: That is something I highly recommend for everyone. If you're a chick...well that sucks, because that would be really difficult to execute. It only happened to me once and it was the second-best blowjob I ever had. The best was from your grandma with the ill gums action. Boom! The worst blowjob I ever got was from your grandma on your dad's side, who had way too much facial hair. Bam!
Editor's Note: Unlike mom jokes, grandma jokes require an interjection immediately after. Hey-O! is still my favorite.
8) Being up money while gambling, then ultimately being down money: That is very depressing. You're wondering where you went wrong, or how you got fucked over. That's really the only time I ever regret anything. Life is too short to regret, but when you're up money - then you decide to be cocky and keep playing - and you lose it all and then some, it really blows. The worst part about it is a lot of the times you have to drive at least an hour home, so the ride back always sucks...especially if there's traffic. I'd tell you about some bad hands I've gotten in Poker, but I want this blog to be at least semi-amusing.
9) Losing a sporting event you've participated in: I'm sure growing up, you always heard the phrase, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, as long as you have fun." That has to be the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. I never understood that quote. Can someone please tell me what's fun about losing? A good loser is still a loser.
10) Having an amazing dream: Amazing dreams can really take a lot out of you. A good dream I can deal with and bad dreams are tolerable. But an amazing dream? Wow is that upsetting. It's one of the biggest letdowns life has to offer. When you have a bad dream, you wake up with this sense of relief like, "Wheeew, thank God that didn't happen. I knew I wasn't gay." When you have an amazing dream, this illusion is put forth that your life is perfect, then you wake up covered in your own man chowder; then you realize it's already dry; then you look at the clock and realize you don't have time to shower because you're late for work, so you just scrape it off your leg with one of those car thingys that get the ice off the windshield.
Missed the Cut: Going to the dentist
I hate the fucking dentist. It's painful, I never get good news, and even if the dentist is hot I can never get a good look at her because they always wear that "somebody farted and I can't breathe" mouth thing. Then when they're done they give me a toothbrush, pat me on the ass twice and say, "good game." I have an aunt who says she "loves the feeling of pain while she's getting her teeth cleaned." I love her and all, but that's fucking sick.
Editor's Note: Our friends have this rule: The only time you can slap a guy's ass without it being gay is if you immediately say after, "Good game," "Way to hustle" or "You'll get 'em next time." Anything else is just blatantly homosexual.
Honorable Mention: Having a random nosebleed on your girlfriend
You know how you can crack your knuckles? Well I went through this brief phase where I cracked my nose. That wasn't very smart. I was at the movies and I got a crazy nosebleed during Gangs of New York. Luckily my girlfriend at the time got up and got me napkins so I didn't have to miss anything. Anyway, about two weeks later I was hanging out with her in her dorm room. I was sitting on a chair and she sat down on my lap. We started making out; when we were done, she had blood all over her face and my nose was bleeding. Uh, yeah, that kinda sucked. To her credit, as much of a cheating whore she was while we were dating, she handled that situation very well. I'm glad I can take something positive out of that relationship.
Speaking of going to the movies, I recently fucked your grandma, then we went to the movies and got a discount. There's nothing like getting a blowjob for $4.50 while I'm eating Skittles that also cost $4.50. Yes!