I received a text message this morning from a female friend that I wanted to share with everyone:
"I've read your blogs...you are such an asshole...good thing we never dated."
Story of my life.
Actually, it isn't. I happen to be a very nice guy; in fact I'm arguably the nicest guy I know. I just don't show it in this blog. Why? Nice isn't funny. Being a dick...now that's funny. Whether it's making fun of myself or someone else, it's stuff like that I find amusing. You want me to stop being an asshole? Tell everyone else to stop being so fucking stupid and maybe I'll run out of stories to tell.
Sex Tangent: When I was a freshman in college I had a girlfriend. Let's call her Lisa. We won't get into that relationship right now; I'll just say for the record because it's relevant to the story, that she was - and probably still is - a total fucking nut bag. So one time we're having sex. She liked to talk dirty. Me...I'm not a big dirty talker. You might find that hard to believe, but I'm really not. I'm not opposed to it; I just can never think of anything sexy to say in the heat of the moment. I speak with my dick, and it speaks volumes. I can't remember exactly what she was saying, but it was pretty fucked up. It was something along the lines of, "Is that the best you can do? Fuck me you fucking prick. You piece of cock bastard. You big Jewish shit bag fuck me. I said fuck me!" plus many more fun, complimentary expletives that made me feel awesome about myself. What I want to know is, how do you respond to that? I had no idea. She pretty much used every curse word I knew, and we all know redundancy is not very romantic. So the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Oh yeah you son of a bitch." That didn't work out very well. "What?" she said, as she immediately stopped having sex with me. "That's what my mom called me." Great. Just fucking great. This girl calls me horrible names, insulting my ethnicity and my sexual prowess, and I can't even say son of a bitch, because it brings back memories of your childhood with a bitch for a mother? Damn. I suppose in this situation I fitted the category of "fucking stupid," but honestly I don't think I did. So basically, to this day I'm not sure if the blame was on my lack of spontaneous ingenuity or her being absolutely insane. Either way, my pride was gone and my balls were blue.
So as I finished this tangent I unfortunately recalled the horrible pain of blue balls. I then decided to change my headline to what it is now. There's something I would love to know: Do women get blue balls, or in female terms, blue vagina? See guys orgasm 90 percent of the time, but girls are used to not orgasming. When that happens, does it hurt? Is it a regular occurrence that you just get used to, like a period? If you do get blue vagina, is it similar to blue balls? Does the pain last for hours and slowly travel up your midsection, past your chest and sometimes to your throat? Do you need to have an extremely painful masturbation session just to get rid of it? When you ladies have sex and inevitably fake your orgasm, are you in pain from not finishing?
Editor's Note: I faked it once just to see if I could do it. Turns out the joke was on me. Worst blue balls ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but with most relationships you need to develop a rhythm before you're having consistent, great sex. So when the guy busts and you're left out to dry - or wet I should say - the drying-out process has to hurt at least a little bit, no? If it does, why don't you speak up about it? You would think that guys just want to bust their nut and get the hell out of there. But 50 percent of the time that's not true. We actually do care about making you orgasm, because 1) Believe it or not, we want you to feel pleasure, and 2) It inflates our egos tremendously.
Editor's Note: Ladies, isn't it funny when you're having sex with a guy, things start heating up, then the guy says, "I hope you're ready, because we're gonna be doing this all night," then right after he busts he's out cold? Every time? Men: 1 Women: 0.
You know what really inflates our egos ladies? When you cry after sex. Wow, that did not come out as I intended it to. Let me clarify: One time - with the same girl I mentioned above - we had sex and after it was done she started to cry. Honestly, I thought I jarred something loose, but that wasn't the case. I asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, and all she could say was, "That (sniff) was (sniff) just (sniff) so (sniff) good. I can't believe I'm crying right now." Since that day, I've been trying to figure out what the hell I did that made this woman feel so good that she cried uncontrollably. For the last 6 years I've been recalling that experience, trying to pinpoint every intricate method to yield similar results, but to no avail. There was one move I did remember; I tried it on a different ex of mine. I figured since she was also half-Spanish and half-Italian she would like it. Guess what? I was wrong. "What in God's name are you doing right now?" she asked.
So much for stereotypes. Turns out you can't categorize an entire ethnic background. Who knew?