Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Housing It in Long Island

"I would do anything to a man's ass for $1 million." - Ace

Not only that, upon confirming this quote an hour later he added, "Yeah, absolutely. With a smile. And I'd do it for $500,000."

Look Ace, I know you want to be successful and have a life of luxury...but really? You'd house a dude's ass? Would you even be considered a 'successful' person after doing something like that? Come on man...you say you will now, but when the time comes and that fat, smelly, hairy ass is front of you - and you're told to house it - pardon me for being skeptical.


I would imagine some readers are unaware of the versatility of the word "House." Allow me to clarify:


1) (verb) To consume in great excess, whether it be with food/beverages or sexually.

Examples: "I housed twenty wings in ten minutes." - "This girl housed my cock." - or in Ace's situation: "I housed this dude's asshole for one million dollars."
*Though none of us have ever said this, it is highly recommended to say to a girl as she's giving you a blowjob: "House it! House it! House it!" Sooner or later this will be done.

2) (adj.) To be extremely inebriated.
Example: "Man did I get housed last night. I don't even remember taking my dick out at the bar. Can someone tell me why there's honey on my ball sack?"

3) (verb) To hit someone or something really hard, typically in athletics.
Example: "He caught a pass over the middle and got housed." When used in this context, it is also applicable to stretch the word: "He got hoouuuuuused!"


Continuing on with the theme of "housing it," me, DB and Luke went to Long Island to visit Ace where he bartends. I'd like to give a special thanks to the following people for the following reasons:

DB: Designated driver. Way to come through in the clutch brotha...much appreciated. Can you explain to me how that blunt I smoked lasted the entire ride from Long Island to Rockland, and you accidentally took the Midtown Tunnel home? That was great. And thanks for finally stopping that drunken mess at the bar who wouldn't shut the fuck up about himself. "Keep it to yourself man..." Haha, nice.

Editor's Note: At the bar there's always "that random drunk guy." This guy was rough. He went from talking about his invention to him being a heroin addict, then he said how I should do a story on him in my newspaper. He also said to me, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Dale Earnheart Jr.? I'm gonna call you Jimmy." Wow. Then he went up to Luke and thought he was a musician just because he had long hair, and told him he needs to write a song about him - the two continued to hum off-key tunes for the next five minutes in attempt to be the next Johnny Cash or something. Instead they sounded like some cheesy Neil Diamond cover band like in Saving Silverman.

Ace: For giving us free drinks all night. Thanks to Ace, I was literally able to pick random drinks from the menu and have him make me tons of random shots. No way I had any less than 12-13 shots, plus whatever other drinks were thrown into the mix. Good lookin buddy. Obviously I also have to thank you for the quote of the night, which was just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Last but not least, thanks for getting Luke destroyed by pouring seven shots into each mixed drink of his. Very fun to watch. Which leads to...

Luke: For providing me with an abundance of drunken entertainment. Love the phone call in the morning: "Dude, I was soooo housed last night." Yeah, I know man. You booted in the bar. The only beef I had with you last night was when you were being a close talker. Now being friends with you I'm used to that, but it's definitely a breach in etiquette when you're telling me drunk secrets post-vomit. If this rule hasn't been made, I'm making it now: "No drunken secrets post-vomit unless you eat a mint or take a shot that makes your breath better."

Random Kid: There was this younger guy who was workin the bar and he was the man. First off, he made some bangin peanut butter and jelly shots which I fuckin housed. Then he had the balls to try this crazy hot jalapeno pepper that the chef was bragging about. The chef was claiming that no one could eat it without puking. Turns out he was right...that kid tried the pepper and he was ferociously vomiting and chugging milk for a solid 15 minutes. Seriously...15 minutes after he ate it he was still crying. That was incredible.

Editor's Note: Honorable mention to Mike for coming through to the bar with his book of CD's to get me back on track in my music life, since I lost all of my CD's in Texas. Mike, you have no idea how much this means to me. More people need to be like you. You got great taste in music, you're good at sports, and you have the best IM-game on the planet. Seriously, you're the fuckin Dolomyte of online hookups. Okay, time to stop now. I feel like Champ from Anchorman: "And I think we should get an apartment together!"


Worst "House" Ever Tangent:
Yeah so I heard a really nasty story last night that I wanted to share with everyone. It's actually not that long of a story: Basically this chick was giving this dude a blowjob and she shit on the floor. That's about it. But seriously...how narley is that? Chick was just housing this dude: "House it! House it! House it!..." then BAM! Shit everywhere. All over the floor. How do you react to that? Apparently she had to puke from housing it, but instead of puking out of her mouth she shat out of her ass. That story's as priceless as a family heirloom.


Anna Qu said...

I'm conflicted.. at first i was like "wow I missed a fun night!" and then I heard about the shit.. and now I'm like "thank god I wasn't there for that shit.. " hehe

Annah said...

House it! I love it.

But that girl shitting while giving a blow job. Um, not cool dude. Not cool at all.