Monday, October 12, 2009

You Know What Today Is...

No, today is not my birthday...that's tomorrow. Today is Columbus Day!

Columbus Day can be looked at a few different ways:

1) Yay, it's Columbus Day! No school!

2) Today, we honor the man who discovered America - the one who sailed the ocean blue in 1492.

3) Fuck Columbus...he was a piece of shit. Dude raped and pillaged everywhere he went - he infested villages with diseases without them even knowing it - how are we to honor someone like this?

All three reasons listed above are valid thoughts regarding Columbus Day. Personally, it seems to me that Columbus was a piece of shit. At the same time, maybe he needed to be one in order for us to live the lives of luxury we live today...I don't really know. All I know is that it's a holiday and I live in America. America is a country built by the blood and tears of those who were less fortunate, along with the egocentric philosophies of the white man. Survival of the fittest - at the time - is another way to put it.

You know how there's that one kid who you're kind of friends with, but you know he/she is a total nutbag? You often find yourself thinking, "Wow, I would hate that person if I wasn't friends with them. Good thing he/she's on my side." As an American, that's how I think of Christopher Columbus.

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I feel like I stopped that Columbus Day portion of the entry at the perfect time. So moving on, let's clap it up for the Yankees baby! Oh fuck yeah!

Last Friday I watched much of the Yankee game at a bar with some friends. Definitely got a little rowdy - but nothing out of the ordinary. The Yankees won and it was complete pandemonium.

Editor's Note: I told EZE that if A-Rod hit a homerun I'd kiss him. Whatever...it was on the cheek. When the Yankees won Ace got one of those "cartoon-style cheek kisses" as well, and surprisingly wasn't bothered by it.

Yeah so in case you don't know, last Friday night the Yanks won the game on a homerun in the bottom of the 11th inning. Right before the homerun happened I was talking to these two girls. In all honesty, I very rarely get the opportunity to have a legitimate conversation with two really attractive women. So we're all talkin about some bullshit, when all of a sudden...it happened. The Yankees won. As far as I was concerned, women didn't exist. I didn't care how hot they were - I lost it. I tackled EZE in the middle of the bar and humped him mercilessly, sort of like the scene in Black Sheep at the end when Chris Farley falls on top of Governor Tracy.

Editor's Note: Or I should say, "ex-governor."

So after I humped EZ, that was the end of that. I'm not sayin I had a chance with either of them, but if I did they were certainly diminished after my act of vigorous man-humping.

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Most Awesome Thing I've Done In Awhile Tangent: At around 1 a.m., me, Ace and Luke got in a cab to go home. I asked the cabbie to pull over at a gas station because I wanted to get a dutch. So I went inside - Ace and Luke stayed in the car. Since it was a cab ride and there were only three of us, we all sat in back leaving the front seat empty. So I went in the gas station, got the dutch, then went back in the car. As the driver turned on the car engine, I farted really loud. Like, really loud. Straight out of the scene of Step Brothers if you've ever seen it.
Ace was kind of laughing and Luke was shaking his head in disapproval, like he's the fuckin epitome of "well-behaved" or something. I just figured, "Hey, I had to fart. What's done is done...the cabbie's used to that kind of thing." Well, apparently not. He was pretty pissed. In fact, he was so upset that he took one deep breath of disbelief, rolled down all the windows, shut the car off, got out of the car, then made a phone call. In other words, he had to regroup. That's right: I farted so loud that the cab driver was forced to regroup. Awesome.

Editor's Note: I'd like to thank Dave for the wonderful drunken compliment I received Friday night. Kid comes up to me wasted, puts his arms around me and says, "Whatever you do...don't ever stop writing. I just...love your diction." Considering how drunk he was, I knew it was from the heart. Thanks again buddy.

Editor's Note based on previous Editor's Note: It's taking all the power in me not to make an "I love your diction" joke. Just thought you should know that.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the publicity buddy, always appreciate the mentions on the blog.