Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Barber Club

Recently I was at a strip club; recently I received a haircut. And you know what? Getting a lap dance and getting a haircut is much more similar than you would think. Allow me to explain.

Right off the bat, obviously it's different in the sense that you have to pay a cover to get in a strip club, unlike a barber shop. But after you walk in, you get to pick whoever you want to give you a haircut, just like you pick whoever you want to give you a lapdance. If you want to wait for someone specific, you wait...if you're a frequent attendee at the barber shop you probably have someone in mind, just like if you're a frequent strip club goer. Remember: their mission is to serve you.

You look around the barber shop and you'll notice rows of barbers giving haricuts, just like at a club you'll notice rows of women giving lapdances. The customers don't pay attention to anyone else, though they may instinctively look to either side only to quickly look forward again to avoid any awkward eye contact. You don't go to a barber shop/strip club to meet people.

Editor's Note: One other difference is that you can bring friends to either place, however it is much more pathetic if you go to a strip club alone than a barber shop.

So you find who you're looking for and you take a seat. It's just you and your barber/dancer. No one's there to bother you...you can sit in your chair and relax. If you feel like having a conversation, they will always reciprocate. If you have a question for them, they will always give you an answer and odds are they'll do it with a smile on their face, maintaining eye contact. If you tell your stripper/barber a joke, they will laugh every time, even if they don't understand the punchline. Because remember, they just want you to feel comfortable. Therefore, if you merely feel like being quiet and enjoying the moment, that is also quite alright.

Editor's Note: Obviously a haircut takes longer than a lapdance. However, there have been times in which I've gotten a lapdance for 10 minutes (for $20), which is also the same amount of time I've gotten a haircut in. Both situations are extremely rare.

But there are little instructions here and there that you need to follow for 1) your safety and 2) to make the experience better. In terms of your safety, you can't jerk your head while getting a haircut or else the scissors/razor will cut you. At a strip club, you can't be grabbing titties or else a big-ass guido will beat the shit out of you. Regarding comfortability, a stripper may tell you to adjust your package a certain way for the lapdance to feel better, or she might just move your legs and/or package for you. When you get a haircut, the barber tells you which way you need to move your head so he can perform efficiently. Some barbers are more aggressive - they'll move your head for you without asking. Hopefully your stripper, as well as your barber, will at some point ask the question: "Is this okay?"

Now depending on the night, there may be a barber who's in a rush to cut your hair because either 1) He wants to go home, or 2) He has a lot of clients and needs to hurry up to fit them all in. Same with a stripper. Sometimes they rush, sometimes they don't. Depends on their mood and how much they like you. Either way, the main objective is for both to make money, and to do it fast.

Editor's Note: Because you are fully aware that your barber/stripper is there to make money, you are not even slightly jealous at how many customers they serve on a daily basis. You understand that it can't just be about you, no matter how much you want it to be.

So you get the haircut/lapdance, and now it's over. In both situations, you either feel extremely satisfied or extremely aggravated. To clarify: Either you love your haircut or hate it...there are few better feelings than a great haircut, just like there are few worse feelings than getting a shitty haircut. Likewise, it is a greatly satisfying feeling to get a lapdance (maybe even bust a nut), just like at times it can be equally as unsatisfying. Getting a terrible haircut is like getting massive blueballs - both take extended time to recover from...both make you feel like you're not yourself.

Your main goal in choosing a barber is to get your haircut, then leave the barbershop thinking, "That was awesome...I'm definitely getting a haircut from him again," just like you'll leave a strip club thinking, "Damn, that bitch freaked it. I can't wait to get a lapdance from her again...I hope she sucks dick." Conversely, if your haircut sucked you'll never go back to the same guy, just like if your lapdance sucked you'll never go back to the same stripper.

Editor's Note: Okay, maybe you won't want your barber to suck your dick...my bad.

Okay, so like I said your haircut is finished. Assuming it was a good haircut, you feel great. You feel like the sky is the limit, only first you have to shower. You have loose hairs all over the back of your neck and you're itchy as hell. After the shower you're good to go. Similarly, after an awesome lapdance you feel superb. But when you leave the club, either you smell like strippers or you're covered in nut juice. Therefore, you must shower to get that shit off of you, otherwise you will be uncomfortable.

But before you leave the shop/strip club, you have to pay of course. It costs $20 to get a lap dance; at some places with tip, it costs about that to get a haircut. Throw a shave in there and you're well over $20, just like if you get a kick-ass lapdance that makes you want to tip more. No matter what you tip, the barber/stripper will be appreciative, and they will hope you come again, assuming you didn't misbehave.

Good doing business with you.


Anonymous said...


Juliana said...

you are... special. thoroughly enjoyed this.

peppers said...

Hahaha. How intuitive, Danaconda. :)

El Grande said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
El Grande said...

Dude, someone needs to invent a strip club where you can get your hair cur. Think about it.

Anonymous Stripper said...

Finally saw you'd left the link to this post on my 20sb page, great post. The titles of your other posts look hilarious too....and I gotta say, the shower comment....please feel free to indulge me in the dirty details of guys cleaning up after busted lap dance nuts! Of course guys always ran off to the bathroom after dances in my experience (I assume to finish themselves off) but chillin' the rest of the night with gizz residue...sounds icky. So stop talking about stripper smells! (We keep it fresh for the men...I've had guys who smelled so gross, I didn't even ask if they'd want a dance or wanted to choke being near them)