Tuesday, March 2, 2010

2.5 Days A Week

The weekend: That's what us working folk live for. Actually, non-working folk seem to as well, simply because most of their friends are working so the unemployed don't have shit to do but re-tie their shoelaces and play Internet backgammon.

Editor's Note: Does anyone wear velcro anymore? Anyone?

My friends and I go out every weekend, and we go hard. I know that everyone drinks and most people have a social life on the weekends, but I refuse to believe that 25-year-olds consistently go as hard as we do. This is not boasting in the least - I'm fucking tired. I'm not tired of partying...just those back-to-back boozing nights. The last two weeks I've called Ace and Biff and said to them, "I can't do these back-to-backers anymore man. It's too much." But we do it anyway...10-15 drinks Friday night; 5-6 Saturday during the day, followed by another 10 at night. It wears on you.

Editor's Note: Duh.

When you're in college obviously it's a different story - you can booze all day every day with no resounding effect. Not anymore. What's insane to me though is that my friends and I are almost drinking as much as we did in college.

And you know what else? I'm getting more girls. It's the complete opposite of what I've been told by the majority of male college graduates. I definitely had my fun in college, but it pales in comparison to the last year, year-and-a-half of my life. I think I classify under the categorization of "slut," whereas in college I think I was merely "active." Is this a bad thing? For a chick it is. For me I go back and forth with it - sometimes I look at it as being on a "hot streak," and other times I look at it as being a guy with good timing around drunk people.

Editor's Note: The gym helps too. If you're not going - male or female - get your lazy self up and go. Not to get ass, just to get in shape. Get in shape and ass will come...and hopefully you'll come in ass, haha. But seriously, go. You have nothing to lose by going except for weight. Not that you need to though; you're perfect the way you are. God what a stupid quote. How come people say, "nobody's perfect," yet when someone complains a friend will reply with, "you're perfect the way you are?" Make up you're fucking mind and stop trying to make people feel better. They're not perfect. You're not perfect. Instead of lying and stating the same old cliche, you should either say, "You're right...you need to work on that," and if you don't feel that way just say, "You're fine...you don't need to change." Don't call them perfect. There's only one thing in life that's perfect, and that's the purple pack of Skittles.

See in college when it came to getting girls, the day of the week never really mattered. Of course weekends gave you a better chance because of the party scene, but ultimately you could meet a chick on any given night. I mean, we partied in our apartment at least 4 days a week, with different girls circulating at all times. Though I had my moments, it was mainly because of my charismatic roommates.

But nowadays? It's all about the weekends. How else are we supposed to get some if it's not out on the weekends? I know I've been writing about this frequently as of late, but it's always under similar circumstances - you get drunk, you meet someone, you hook up. And it's always on the weekends.

And you know what? It always has to be. Though it's possible - and I've always been an advocate of the notion, "you can meet anyone, anywhere at anytime" - the odds of meeting a chick at a supermarket or a bookstore are pretty slim. Mainly the reason for this is because when chicks go out to run errands, they're not looking to meet guys. I personally believe they don't dress nice to meet a man, they just do it so we can either 1) check them out to make them feel good, 2) hit on them to make them feel good then get rejected, or 3) hit on them to make them feel good, get their number, then get rejected.

But on the weekends it's a different story. Girls aren't going out to get cat food, they're going out to meet dudes. I just wish they wanted to do it more during the other 4.5 days during the week. Or maybe they do...maybe they're just not drunk enough to want to do it with me. Wow that came off pretty depressing. Can't end on a blog on that.

This-literally-happened-in-the-last-10-minutes Tangent: My buddy Luke just called me with the following question: Is it gay if you suck your own dick? In his defense he wasn't considering doing it...he was just asking. Personally I think it's a legitimate question - I believe I've blogged about it before but I can't remember. Because the thing is, jerking off isn't gay, but you're still touching a dude's penis. So why would sucking dick be gay? The answer: it just is. I think if I really tried I could in fact suck my own dick, but there's no way I'd ever try it. Having a dick in your hand is a lot different than having a dick in your mouth, even if it's your own.


H2$ said...

I would suck my own dick so hard if I could! Are you kidding me?!?!?! You love your own hand jobs, how can you hate on your blow jobs. You're gonna be better at it than any girl. And there is no way you could right now and don't know. If you could you'd know, and you'd be arguing a completely different point of view. You are so fucking retarded Dan. I'm gonna take out two of your ribs in your sleep and see if you go into work the next week or if you're too busy sucking yourself off. The whole week. Not to mention that just because it's gay shouldn't stop you. Masturbating is a little gay. Deal with it. You get a little gay 2-3 times a day.

Also, there is nothing wrong with being a slut as a girl. SLUT just stands for sexually liberated and untamed by tradition - that just sounds hot.

Danaconda said...

1) I don't always love my own handjobs - it depends on how frequently I do it.

2) Oh yeah, I'm retarded because I don't know if I can suck my own dick or not. That makes sense. I've never tried it - maybe that's why? On an even gayer note, I totally just got a visual of you trying to suck your own dick and being frustrated with your ongoing failure.


This reminds me of that conversation with Dante and Randall in Clerks. That shit was hysterical.

Also, I feel like at this point, being a SLUT is traditional, so though I love the acronym I think it needs to be reworked. Either way if you made that up I'd be legitimately impressed.

Anonymous said...

you r fukin hilarious bro


Danaconda said...

I love how you put yourself in as "anonymous" but then sign "Elmer." Either way thanks for the compliment, and thank you for opening my mind into being more of an asshole when I write. It's significantly more fun.