Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Go Bless Yourself

Pretend you're in a classroom or some other quiet setting. Suddenly you sneeze twice in a row, then over the next five seconds the silence in the room remains. What are you most likely thinking?

My guess: "No one told me, 'God Bless You.'"

Some people get offended when they don't hear "God Bless You" and some don't give a fuck. We live in a society where it's expected for at least someone to say it. If you don't it's discourteous.

Editor's Note: Remember when you were in class and there was that kid who consistently snotted on himself when he would sneeze, then would have to run out of class with his hands over his nose? What a gross motherfucker that kid was. I write 'he' because chicks usually have that shit under control...dudes are sloppy.

I'm sure most of you are aware that this goes back to way before America, when some weirdos thought that your soul was escaping when you sneezed. Therefore, if your soul did not escape from you (WHICH IT NEVER FUCKING DID!), you were blessed by God. High-five!

Over the weekend I was taking some journalism classes and a girl sneezed during class. I said, "Bless you," she said, "Thank you," and life moved on. But for some reason - well, maybe it was because I recently saw that Seinfeld episode - I couldn't stop thinking about the lunacy behind this "act of courtesy."

Here's what I find interesting about it: A sneeze is an involuntary act, just like a yawn or a cough. But when you yawn or cough in public, manners tell you to say, "Excuse me." But when you sneeze? Other people are supposed to tell you, "God Bless You." Sneezing's a lot more disgusting than coughing or yawning, no? I would say that warrants an "excuse me" more so than the yawn or the cough.

The main reason why "God Bless You" ultimately doesn't bother me is because it advocates politeness amongst the masses. Anything that gets people to be less assholes than they are is okay with me. However, I'm done. I'm not trying to be a rebel, I just don't want to say it anymore. I don't think God's blessing you, so go bless yourself buddy.

So the editor's note got me thinking about life in high school, which has now prompted me to do a top ten. Each of these ten qualities should cause you to think of at least one person whom you had classes with growing up. Here you go fuckers:

Ten Signature Classroom Habits

1) The Nosepicker
2) The Girl Starer-atter
3) The Paper Thrower
4) The Facepicker
5) The Sleeper
6) The Buttcrack Starer-atter
7) The Jokemaker
8) The Bathroom-goer
9) The Artist
10) The Talker

Honorable Mention:
1) The M.I.A. Kid
2) The Copy-er
3) The Copy Block


1) The Nosepicker: This person does not stop picking his fucking nose. He fucking picks it, looks at it, and either he flicks it away or "slyly" places it under the desk. This to me is the second-most disgusting classroom habit one can have. Have I been guilty of it? Yes. In seventh grade I picked my nose in class, of course some popular kid saw it, and for the rest of the year I was called "Booger Boy." And you know what? I deserved it.

Editor's Note: The worst is when you see someone pick his nose and unsuccessfully attempt at flicking it off his finger. Therefore, you watch him for the next 1-2 minutes as he tries to flick this magical sticky booger off his finger without anyone noticing. Ew.

2) The Girl Starer-atter: This guy stares at every hot girl in class, all the time. He doesn't take notes, he doesn't participate in class...he just stares at chicks. Do the chicks notice? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My buddy Lance had this problem in physics when he would stare at this girl Becky in 10-minute intervals. One time she told me after class, "Your friend [Lance] stares at me all period...it's weird."
Let me just say this to you, Becky: Shut the fuck up. 1) You have to expect that when your tits were as big as yours was, and 2) You know you liked it.

3) The Paper Thrower: This person thinks it's funny to either make paper airplanes or crumble up balls of paper and throw them at people. He'll throw the paper then hide his head, acting like he wasn't the one who did it, and he finds this the funniest thing in the world. Is it? Yeah, it's pretty funny I'm not gonna lie, but after awhile it gets lame and repetitive. Unlike banging your mom...we tend to mix it up so it doesn't get redundant. I won't let her near my butt though...not no way not no how.

4) The Facepicker: This wins as the most disgusting classroom habit of all time. There was this kid named Alex who had bad acne in high school. This is nothing surprising, as of course many kids had bad acne while they were getting pubic hair and having wet dreams. But Alex was the only kid I knew who would pick his face during class...and even sometimes...I know...eat it. It got to a point where it was so bad that I had to talk to my chemistry teacher about it after class. He was my lab partner and I couldn't take it anymore - I asked her to switch his seat with someone...anyone. Though I was a C student, I participated and teachers liked me, so she made the switch. In the future I would even make noises during class when he was doing it, and she would look at me and smile at his expense.

5) The Sleeper: You know...that kid who would fall asleep in class every day. With our group of friends it was Popeye - he just couldn't stay awake, no matter how boring or fun the class was. The thing is with Popeye that would make it so funny was that his nose would also bleed. It didn't happen too often - if he fell asleep 10/10 classes his nose would bleed about 2/10 of those times. And when it happened? Good God was it funny. Every time. Usually the nosebleed would wake him up and he would routinely say, "Uh oh, random nosebleed," and bolt out of the classroom. One time in physics we let him sleep for awhile as he bled on himself. Arguably the funniest classroom experience of my life.

6) The Buttcrack Starer-atter: In our classrooms in high school, a lot of the chairs had a hole in the back of them. Therefore, because chicks wore low jeans and high-cut shirts, someone's buttcrack was always poking out. If it wasn't a girl's buttcrack, it was some fat dude's crack. Either way cracks were aplenty, and obviously because the seats were in rows, most of the time there was someone sitting directly behind the buttcrack. Now there are two types of people who sit behind kids with their buttcrack sticking out: There's the kid who looks once and tries not to look again, and there's the kid who's obsessed with it and tries to get everyone in the class to notice. What is it about this buttcrack that's so transfixing? I don't really know, but it's fucking hysterical nonetheless.

Editor's Note: Three different times I typed "buttrack" instead of "buttcrack." I don't know what a buttrack is or could be, but I will attempt to discover a meaning for it.

7) The Jokemaker: Don't misinterpret this as "The Class Clown." The Class Clown is funny - the Jokemaker is not. The Class Clown may not even try to be funny and just naturally is, meanwhile the Jokemaker tries too hard and wishes he was as funny as the Class Clown. But here's the catch: Typically, the Jokemaker is a popular kid who gets people to laugh at his jokes due to his status. Because high school's a popularity contest, very often will people think someone is funny when they are not. People laugh with the Jokemaker and at the Class Clown. In other words: the Jokemaker gets ass and the Class Clown will go to college a virgin.

8)The Bathroom-goer: Ever notice that kid who has to go to the bathroom every day during class, sometimes even twice? What's this kid doing? As someone who did this often, I can tell you that it's simply to kill time and roam the hallways. I would walk by classes my friends were in and make funny faces and do handspring flips in the hall...dumb shit like that. But there's something else kids do too: masturbate.
In high school it probably wouldn't occur to most people to masturbate during school, as it certainly did not for me. But one time when I was in the bathroom during chemistry class, I saw some kid's feet standing in a bathroom stall, and I heard a consistent noise that sounded like when you'd do a chick from behind. He was the only person in the bathroom...I don't know what else that sound could have been. And once I saw the fat guido leave the bathroom, I knew he had to be spankin it. Yikes.

9) The Artist: Every class has at least one person who draws on every desk he/she sits at. Usually it's some dumb shit like a penis or a name of some trendy band they don't really listen to. It's seldom that The Artist actually draws something worth looking at, usually because they just do it to get attention. Though I must say, drawing pictures of a penis is pretty funny. I don't see how you can disagree.

10) The Talker: The Talker does not shut the fuck up...ever. This person is not your friend - this person sits next to you in class and jabbers your ear off, talking about whatever inane shit is on their mind. And worst of all? They have bad breath. You find yourself slowly backing away as they talk, but where are you gonna go? Do you be a dick and tell them to shut up? You probably should, but you know you won't. Instead you smile, nod and pretend to laugh while you hope the teacher notices this person and puts them in their place.

Honorable Mention:

1) The M.I.A. Kid: You know who this kid is...you saw him in class the first day; the first week or two the teacher calls his name during attendance, only to discover that he's absent; then after awhile the teacher gives up on calling a name who will never respond with a, "Here!" Then as the year goes by and there are only a few classes left...the kid shows up. You see him in class and say, "You're in this class? Have you always been in this class?" Happens every year.

2) The Copy-er: Don't perceive "Copy-er" as someone who copies the work...I'm talking about the "smart" person who lets everyone copy his/her work during a test or some other assignment needed to be completed in class. There's three types of copy-ers: 1) The person who lets everyone copy because he/she doesn't give a fuck, 2) The person who lets everyone copy because he/she wants to be popular, and 3) The person who doesn't want people to copy, but lets them anyway because he/she doesn't have the audacity to say "no."

Editor's Note: I would like to personally thank the people who have let me copy throughout the years, and also to those who I copied off of without them noticing. Oh, and if you notice in the above paragraph I have the word "smart" in quotes. The reason for that is because I don't believe you are "smart" because you did the homework and can do well on a test. You may in fact be smart, but that's not why. What about the people who don't do the schoolwork, copy off a kid and get an A on the test. Isn't that "smart?" Granted you don't actually learn anything in regards to the curriculum, which is why cheating's typically pointless to begin with.

3) The Copy Block: This person - usually a douche bag - doesn't let you copy his/her work because this person feels that because he/she actually did the work, you have no right to get a free ride. I mean, it makes sense - looking back I can't really blame this person - but come on...really? Most of the time the people that did this didn't have very many friends, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it's because the diameter of their asscrack is .2 centimeters.

Editor's Note: I was just thinking...it's not a good thing to be a "tight-ass," so what's the opposite? A loose-ass? Don't really wanna be that either to be honest with you. Okay I'm done.

1 comment:

Elle said...

This is oddly true. Not something I've ever thought about before, but definitely true.

I also fucking love sneezing!