Monday, March 15, 2010

Wing Woman

Two things before I begin. Well technically I already begun but you know what I mean. Stop being such a wise-ass:

1) Don't you hate it when there's a profile picture of a chick you don't know, and there are two girls in the picture? How the shit do you know which one is which? And furthermore, what happens when one of them is ugly, which is usually the case? Guess you have to flip the coin, but anyone who knows me knows I suck at coin flips. Actually you probably wouldn't know that about me...looks like you have work to do.

2) I took off the "18 and over" bullshit because Lola couldn't access my blog from her phone. You may think to yourself, "Wait, did he actually change a setting on his blog to make life easier for only one person?" The answer to this is yes. The next question may be, "Did he only make that change because she's practically the only person who reads the blog?" There's a two-part answer to this question: 1) Maybe. 2) Fuck you.


So yeah, if you read the headline you can deduce what I'm going to write about today: The wing woman. Does she exist?

For a wing woman to exist, that means when a chick is out in public she wants to go hit on a dude who's with an ugly friend. Therefore, she convinces one of her friends to come along to occupy the ugly friend's time.

Editor's Note: I think the word "wingman" is thrown around incorrectly. Too often will guys say they were a wingman when in actuality they weren't. For example if you say, "Yeah I was a wingman for my boy last night; he wanted to get ass so I was talkin to this chick's friend...she was kinda hot," then you were not a wingman. The "friend" whose time you are occupying has to be ugly or someone you would not hook up with sober, or else you're not an official wingman. Also, if your friend doesn't advance with the chick he hit on, you may technically be known as a "wingman," but in reality I don't think you are. Being a wingman for a guy who doesn't get with the girl is like going to law school and failing the bar exam - sure, you may have the title of wingman/lawyer, but you're ultimately a failure who needs a lot more "practice."

So let's say there are two chicks hanging out at a bar. Could the following conversation ever ensue?

Girl #1: Hey you see those two guys over there?

Girl #2: What, you mean the hot one with the leather jacket and the fat one eating wings who just spilled beer on himself?

Girl #1: Yeah them. I keep trying to give the cute guy a look but he's not catching on. Any chance you'll come with me so I can go talk to him?

Girl #2: Wait, so you want me to talk to that nasty slob while you get Johnny Depp to take you home? I mean look at that dude: he's revolting. First off he's using way too many napkins. Why the hell does this guy need to crumble up five napkins after taking a bite of each wing? And look how much he's sweating! Instead of him buying me a drink I should go get one of those huge-ass leaves from outside and fan him down. And I know we can't see them from behind, but you know perfectly well that his ass crack is sticking out. Do I really have to go?

Girl #1: Yes. You know there's no way I have a chance with the hot guy if you don't talk to the ugly guy. Go play Photo Hunt with him or some shit I don't fuckin know.

Girl #2: Fine but you owe me.

Okay maybe it doesn't happen exactly like that but you get my drift. If I ever get approached by two chicks hopefully I won't be the guy that the wing woman talks to.

So ladies, you should know: If there are two of you and you are approached by two guys, odds are one of them is the wingman, which means odds also say that one of you is ugly. Don't worry though...tomorrow the same thing could happen and it can be your friend that's the "ugly" one. Life's funny like that.


Anna said...

I read your blog.

I think there's less the idea of a wing woman, because women dont pick up men as much. But I'd be an awesome wing woman, I think.

Danaconda said...

I know you read it, and if need be I'd change something for you as well :)

Yeah you'd be a kick-ass wing woman...arguably the best one I know.