Thursday, May 6, 2010

Adjusting Myself

I haven't smoked weed since Sunday and my body is still adjusting. People say, "Whatever's all psychological - weed doesn't do that shit to you." Yeah, okay. Try smoking blunts every single day for years, stopping, and then talk to me you walking colostomy bag.

Editor's Note: Sorry about that, I think I'm still in the irritable phase of my withdrawal. At least I don't have to go to weed rehab like some sorry fuckers out there. Seriously dude? Rehab? For weed? Come on now. Then again, I'm definitely not quitting - just stopping long enough to get my metabolism in order. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day...whoever said that knew what he was talking about. Yes, I'm assuming it was a man.

After work yesterday I went to the bar to meet up with Luke, Carla and K-Town to have a couple of drinks for Cinco de Mayo. There were definitely some bangin Spanish chicks out and about, which you know is my cup of tea, or bag of Skittles, or whatever you wanna call it. It was one girl's birthday and I used the pickup line, " drunk enough to find me attractive?" Didn't work. I can't stress enough how fun it is to go out and not give a fuck.

Then there was this other girl I was talking to for a little bit - she wasn't attractive...I was just making conversation because I'm friendly. Bad idea. I know this is gross, but the only way I could describe her breath is if I woke up, didn't shower, ran 5 miles in the heat, then shoved my dick and balls in her mouth. Not just my dick and not just my balls: it's the combination. Smoker's breath is the worst.

After we parted ways I stopped in another bar to see if Duke or Lance were working so I could say what's up, but they weren't. I was looking around the bar and saw a healthy amount of ladies gettin' down for the Cinco, so I thought to myself: "Should I be that guy who goes to a bar by himself to get chicks?" Nope. Couldn't do it.

Anyway, there are a couple things I've noticed since I've taken this recent ganja break:

1) It's significantly more difficult to listen to rap music.

Seriously, all these dudes talk about is burning it down, and it makes me want to smoke sooooo bad. Toby made me a mix recently, and every fucking song has a weed reference. They make it sound like it's so much fun. Oh is. That's why I've been the Cal Ripken Jr. of pot smoking for the last six years. But yeah, I need to save money and I need to get in shape for this insane 12-mile obstacle course I will be partaking in come November. More on that another day.

Editor's Note: Training starts Saturday with a 3-mile run. I rolled out of bed this morning and pumped out 62 pushups, but I didn't go all the way down. The key is to make sure your weiner touches the ground before you push-up again. The problem for me is that I don't have to go down very far.

2) I've never been more satisfied with my female situation in my entire life.

Well, I shouldn't say that. When I was banging like a jackrabbit on coke with my ex during freshman year of college I was pretty happy. But since then bitches have driven me crazy. Now? Not at all. And I've been pretty busy with the single life. I think I've finally been able to exercise the notion, "Don't worry about things you can't control." As much as I stress it to my friends to be that way, oftentimes I'm unable to take my own advice. Now I'm locked in. I have no desire for anything long-term and it feels great. Every time I go out I can't get over how many girls are out there getting dressed up hoping that they either 1) Get fucked, or 2) Give a guy a number and pretend like they wanna fuck, but they just want attention. Either way...House it!

Editor's Note: It took me awhile to understand that anytime a girl is dressed nice in public after 10 p.m., she wants to get laid. They might as well wear a sign on their forehead that says, "will have sex for free drinks," whereas us dudes wear a sign on our forehead that says, "will have sex if we can get it up."

That editor's note just got me thinking about whiskey dick...we've all been there. There's nothing worse than having to finagle your weiner into a girl while she sits there like, "uhhh...everything okay?" No, everything's not okay. I'm fucking Lake Flacid over here and you're doing nothing to make it better. It's not like it happens to me frequently, but I won't deny that it's happened to me. Any guy who hasn't experienced that is either 1) Immortal, or 2) A virgin. I think all guys will agree that condoms suck.

Moving on, now that I'm not smoking weed I'm hornier than a 12-year-old who discovered porno. Whoever's next is getting a 15-roper at least. It's going everywhere.


I have a good joke:

So this guy was playing golf and after shooting 9 holes he decided to head over to the snack bar. It was an abnormally long wait in line, but he chose to wait anyway. He noticed a sign that read, "Soda: $5, Cheeseburger: $10, Handjobs: $10" - he thought to himself, "does that sign really read handjob?" He was just playing golf for a couple hours, so he rubbed his eyes, refocused them, and saw that the sign still read "Handjobs: $10."
As the line got thinner he noticed that the cashier was a very attractive woman. When it was his turn to order he said to her, "Excuse me miss, does that sign really say 'handjob?'" The cashier replied, "Yes it does." The man then said to her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The cashier replied, "Yes I am."
So the man said to her, "Well wash your hands...I want a cheeseburger."


Denise said...

A man is tired after work so he decided to get a quick drink before he heads home. He goes to a nearby bar he has never been to and sits down. After getting the bar tenders attention, he orders a scotch on the rocks.

The bartender, who has never seen this man before decided to have some fun. He says to the man, "I'll get you that scotch, but first let me propose a bet. I'll bet you I can show you something you've never seen or heard of before. If I'm right ,you buy your drink, if I'm wrong, this scotch is on me."

The man thinks to himself and realizes he really doesn't have much to lose and agrees.

The bar tender reaches under the bar and pulls out a small piano, and a foot tall man that he sets at the mini bench. This small man asks the gentleman at the bar what he'd like to hear. The man is shocked and answers, "Beethoven’s 5th".

To his amazement the little man plunks the notes out, perfectly without even breaking a sweat.

The man at the bar cannot believe his eyes. After the song he asks the bar tender where he got this small man who can play the piano.

The bar tender smiles. He says, "Behind my bar there is an alley, in the ally there is a genie. He will grant you any one wish you have."

So the man heads out of the bar and sure enough in the back there is the Genie.

The Genie, with a booming voice announces, "Onlooker! I will grant you one wish, any wish, so make it a good one!"

The man thinks, and being the business type is skeptical, but once again feels like there isn't really much to lose. "I wish for a million bucks" he says, and the Genie nods his head.

Instantly the alley becomes filled with thick smoke, the man can't see anything he just hears a strange noise coming from all around him.

A moment later the smoke clears and the alley is filled with a million ducks! And the genie is gone...

Infuriated the man storms back into the bar and the bar tender laughs at his enraged appearance. The man tells how he wished for the million bucks, but got a million ducks instead.

The bar tender just smiles and quietly says," Do you think I asked for a 12 inch Pianist?"

Danaconda said...

Nice...I legitimately laughed out loud. Gotta remember that one :)

Juliana said...

hahaha!! i don't listen to rap, so on the days i don't smoke i just try to keep busy. i went about 3mos smoking every single day and, honestly, it wears you down. the irritability factor was annoying at first, but it was worth it. 3-4 days a week for me, and about a bowl or so each time (i can't roll :-/ )

i like looking nice, always, but i sure as hell am not looking for sex, always. that would be very time consuming.