Friday, May 14, 2010

The Painfully Gradual Graduation

My sister's graduating from college today...whoopdie fucking doo. I don't mean it like I'm not proud of her - cuz I am - but not one part of me wants to sit through that boring-ass ceremony.

Editor's Note: I haven't been to a college graduation in awhile. I skipped my own because like I said, it's boring, and I didn't want to put my family through that obligatory bullshit. But I sweah to Gawd, if they play that Eve 6 song I'm gonna cockslap somebody. Not my sister though...that's really fucked up. I don't know why you would even think that. Sick fuck.

Addendum to Editor's Note: I accidentally typed "suck fuck" because the 'i' is so close to the 'u' on the keyboard. Obviously I didn't leave it, but I found it funny and I thought it was worth mentioning. Oh yeah, it's also worth mentioning that my sister doesn't read my blog - she'd fuckin freak if she saw what I just wrote. Then again, if there was a sister who didn't freak out from that then that's just fucking weird.

So now I have to sit through bullshit speeches from old people about "moving forward" while teachers who don't deserve accolades get them. Every single one of these are the same - people fight for seats like it's the Oscars; the school president runs his mouth about the future; the same Indian kids get awards for good grades; and there's always that one hot white chick who is way too well-rounded to truly exist. Kind of like one of the strippers from Wednesday night - I told her she looked like a cartoon character. I meant it in a 'Jessica Rabbit' sort of way, but I don't think she understood the compliment. Then again, I was pretty hammered.

You know none of the graduates really want to be there that badly - most of them do it for their families. So the family sits there and takes pictures all fucking day, meanwhile none of them know how to take a decent picture and end up getting way too many of the fat girl sneaking chocolate from under her robe, or that fat dude who managed to somehow sneak a double cheeseburger under his. And if you're the parents of that girl or guy, I don't know what to tell's probably your fault that it happened to begin with.


Graduation tangent: When my grandfather graduated he didn't tell his parents he was ditching the ceremony, so they went only to find out that their son didn't even go. I think that's fucking hysterical.


I hate how this graduation shit turns me into a hater. As I've stated many-a-times, I don't hate: I appreciate. I also masturbate, inebriate, expectorate, and fornicate...occasionally. Anyway, besides the fact that we're going for Hibachi after the ceremony, I don't see what's to really appreciate about this experience.

Editor's Note: I love Hibachi and everything about it. Especially the onion volcano. Gets me every time.

You're right, I should stop. It's not easy to graduate college. How to balance your time getting fucked up and completing school work is never easy, and I know my sister worked hard on her senior thesis. It's a big deal and when I get there I'll treat it like one. But for now, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. You would cry too if you were a Jew...I mean...whatever you know what I mean. Have a good weekend and don't forget to house it.



Hater Von G said...

I fuckin love the onion volcano too.

Denise said...

My favorite part is when they throw the shrimp tail at the girl with the sluttiest shirt and get down her shirt... then she has to dig for it and I'm sitting there laughing because every guy in there is staring... Funny, except when it's me. But I usually remember to dress appropriatly, unless I'm looking for a free meal, or dessert then it's worth it.

Danaconda said...

Denise, is that your way of telling me you have a big rack?