Monday, May 24, 2010

Passing With Flying Colors

If you told me last week that the upcoming weekend would be even crazier than the previous one, I'd have probably admitted that it was a coin-flip chance. I mean, I did have plans to go to Atlantic City - which lived up to the hype - but it was really the following night that unexpectedly turned the weekend from "pretty crazy" to "fucking insane." All in all, I would say the theme of the weekend was "questionable decisions."

Yeah...about Atlantic City...not blogging about that. Some things are better left un-blogged. It was too much...I was too much. Definitely almost got kicked off the craps table a couple of times. Only lost 10 bucks by the way...not bad for an hour of craps. I got the crew's permission to blog about the trip, but upon further review decided against it. I think when someone you're hanging out with asks a woman to see their vagina from behind, it's a telltale sign to keep what happened at AC, in AC. Oh yeah, she said she'd let him see it for $1,000. He offered $10. I believe the response was, "I wipe my ass with $10." Hopefully not back-to-front...that's just nasty.

Editor's Note: All I'll say is that at one point in the night/early morning, I brought a girl back to the room. The guys were sleeping so I had nowhere to go. Luckily for us we were in the Borgatta, and the bathrooms are quite spacious. So we're chillin in there and because I'm a drunken lunatic, decided to give her a lap dance. That last sentence is sort of ironic, which should hopefully tell you what the profession of this woman is. She was sippin on a vodka/cranberry and as I was freakin it, the door my arm was propped up against opened, which lunged me forward and knocked her drink all over her. She had a white dress on. That was a deterrent to say the least. She got upset because I couldn't stop laughing. Some can call it a defense mechanism, others can call it the result of 15 drinks.

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After spending daytime Saturday recovering, I headed over to Brooklyn to Biff's and then Goldy's for a fiesta. Good times, aside from some inappropriate behavior on my end. Little did I know, though, the 'inappropriate level' didn't get to a '10' until I got back to Biff's later that night.

Editor's Note: At the end of this entry I will be adding a guest post from Giovanni, formerly known as "Man #1" from the infamous posts aptly entitled, "Breakfast Martinis."

Mary found me sitting down on the sidewalk in Brooklyn at 3 a.m., with my backed propped up against the door as I waited for Biff's arrival. I was eating a California Roll and I wasn't in a great mood, so I told her to leave me alone. She used her motherly, "please?" tone that I couldn't say no to, so I followed her upstairs and Biff, Giovanni and Alvin showed up 5 minutes later.

Then things got interesting. We started to play beer pong...it was 4 at this point. Giovanni's guest entry will tackle the games more specifically, so I'll just sum it up briefly. It was Biff and I against Alvin and Giovanni - we won the first game and they got really upset. Alvin decided that the best way to win Game 2 was to throw Biff and I off our game. How, you might ask? Duh...by removing his pants...and underpants...but leaving his button-down on. No exaggeration. Giovanni was dumbfounded, but appreciated Alvin's dedication.

So for half of Game 2 a fully-clothed team of Biff and I played against Giovanni and a half-naked Alvin...but not the half you're accustomed to seeing dudes. Throughout the game he continued to make compromising poses, bending over spontaneously, to get me and Biff to miss shots. It worked. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to do it too...I couldn't let this continue.

Therefore, games 2 and 3 involved yours truly removing everything but his button-down. Lots of weiner flopping around...Mary probably thought it was awesome. I mean, it's not like Alvin and I are ugly by any means, and we're also physically fit. There's no way she couldn't have liked that. Mary, your birthday came early this year.

We literally played beer pong until it was light outside, then Alvin and I went to the diner. Like I've said many times over, my friends and I are dangerously straight individuals. However, unlike Biff and Giovanni, Alvin and I proved it as we managed to be pants-less around dudes and not catch a boner. As Mary said the next day, "Yeah, you guys were rather flacid." So we passed the gay test...with flying colors. If I may quote the renowned Frankie Valli, "Oh what a night."

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Editor's Note: As stated above, the following is a guest post from Giovanni about the notorious 3-game beer pong series, along with some of the usual editor's notes from moi. I had to take out the real names and replace it with the usual nicknames for the sake of maintaining any dignity we might have. My name is GayBall - and honestly, I deserve it. This is going to make this blog post pretty long, but if you would like to get a more in-depth, firsthand account of the craziness, be my guest:

Beer pong with extra balls

By Giovanni

Well last night Sons of Italy (SOI) faced their first true opponent. His name - GAYball. Leading up to the Championship Match Gayball consistently talked trash and backed it up, most notably on two occasions: the first when he called Biff a fat faggot then sunk the game-winner, and the second when he hit a shot that forced Alvin to lick his nipple.

Editor's Note: Alvin said he'd lick my nipple if I made the last cup...I made the last cup.

Alas, these impressive wins were against teams that lacked the chemistry, traditional, and equivalent ethic and religious backgrounds necessary to emerge victorious.
At approximately 4 a.m. Gayball's team decided to play the current undisputed, undeniable, unfathomable, unfoundable, unnecessarily and blatantly arrogant Champions of the Syracuse Friends of People Beer Pong Circuit - The SONS OF ITALY.
Extreme faggotry was abundant and somewhat uncomfortably promoted and accepted throughout the three-game series, but I will get to that later.
Alvin played well during the first game of the series and did the best he could to help us win but I could not hit any crucial shots to help him and we ultimately lost. This was bothering me a lot because I feared my performance would be hindered by some sun tanning I took part in earlier that day and my worst fears were coming true. (I made sure to put a disclaimer on my level of play when I first arrived at Biff and Alvin's apartment due to this reason, but this was still no excuse [read = this is a perfectly legitimate excuse]).
Alvin could sense he needed to do something drastic to hinder the performance of our opposition while I struggled to find my shot. His solution - to remove his pants and underwear, expose his dick, and engage in various compromising poses including but not limited to, the mangina, fruitbowl, and Captain Morgan’s stance.
It was a fucking incredible tactic and the effects were immediate.
Team Gayball struggled to hit the cups and we took control of Game 2 and straight poned them. IT WAS WORKING!

Editor's Note: Not that I should be proud of it, but I was actually the one who did the mangina first. But yes, Alvin's fruitbowl was aplenty and his "Capt. Morgan's" pose was just the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I don't think any of us stopped laughing the entire three games. If I may quote Alvin: "I was ashamed of everything I did this weekend."

Gayball, being the true competitor he is, quickly realized he could not allow this unchecked, aggressively gay manuevor to go unmatched. By the conclusion of Game 2, his Johnson was also getting some fresh air but unfortunately for him it had no effect on the tenored SOI, who at our level of experience have seen it all (no we haven't...that topped everything).
With the series tied at 1 game apiece, there was a momentary lull in the action as we withdrew ourselves from the heat of combat and realized it was light outside. For a brief minute all 4 of us passed out on the couches and floor (their pants were back on now). However, we knew we could not end or match with a 1-1 tie so we rallied for a third and final game.
The play was sloppy and both teams struggled to capitalize on the poor play from the opposition. I think at one point Biff tossed 4 consecutive airballs, one of them harmlessly bouncing off Alvin's dick. (Oh yea at somepoint they had no pants on again.)

Editor's Note: Seriously...the ball bounced off his dick. I almost threw up from laughter.

Both teams caught a second wind midway through the game and started to hit cups. The SOI had an advantage because we didn't rack until 4, and they had racked at 6 and were fucked on 5. They hit 2 in a row, then we did. Both teams were in the fucking zone! In the end, I was able to hit the final cup making me feel a little better about my poor play throughout the evening. They missed their rebuttal shots and the SOI won the series 2-1!
We look forward to playing Team Gayball again soon, as they have shown they can play with the best, as long as the best was having an off night.

P.S. I love the convenience factor of passing my office on the way home. I just took a massive shit.

Editor's Note: Well done, Giovanni.



1 comment:

Annabelle said...

1) Sushi is a really unusual 3am sidewalk food.
2) I'm really impressed that, even with no pants, you two kept it classy with the button-downs.
3) " I think at one point Biff tossed 4 consecutive airballs, one of them harmlessly bouncing off Alvin's dick." HAHAHA.