Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Random Observations, Part V

1) With the exception of that random 15-year-old who follows my blog, the rest of my readers are adults. As we continue our quest, the conversation of children tend to come up. Oftentimes you'll hear a guy say, "I want a son: I hope my wife gives me a son." You may hear another person - male or female - say, "I want a daughter." But then there's always that one person. You know...the person who says, "I don't care: I just want my child to be healthy." Oh really? And I want a fuckin retard? Thanks for clearing that up you self-righteous asshole.

2) I went to the dentist today. Some dentists really fuck the shit out of your mouth, but not my dentist. My dentist makes love to my mouth. I don't care what you say about me after reading that sentence - the man is the greatest dentist in the world. That means something. It has to. The dude has some machine that vibrates as it injects needles into your gums, only the vibration tricks the gums into thinking some other shit. I could fall asleep to that guy working on me. Oh man that one was really gay. Consider that line "deleted." Anyway, the man even gives you some cool-ass dentist sunglasses, so now you're laying back in a cushioned chair with a pillow, and some sunglasses so that light doesn't bother you. He's on another level.

Editor's Note: I told him all I needed was a Corona and I'd be great. How often do you say that at the dentist? And I used to fucking hate the dentist.

3) I rock out in my car harder than you do. I'm extremely confident in that. I consistently get looks from people who can't get over how hard I'm rockin out. Usually they're smiling because they think I look stupid, yet a part of them always realizes I'm having more fun than they are. You know they want to rock out too but they simply don't have the balls. It's just a part of your brain that you need to unlock - the part that makes you nervous when people are looking at you. Fuck them.

4) I can crack my fingers 30 times in one knuckle-cracking sitting. I crack my knuckles without even realizing it half the time. It's so much fun. I've talked to a bunch of different doctors about this, and most of them say you don't get arthritis from it. I don't know...sometimes that shit fuckin hurts.

5) My friend says his stomach was sore from an ab workout he did 3 days ago. "Fuck your girlfriend more," I told him. "You don't have sex with her enough." He disagreed. "I do," he said. "I've been listening to you and I've been having more sex with her lately." After asking him if he had been incorporating certain positions that might get him in better shape, he said that he's merely been active. "I have a question," I said. "How long is your average sex session...15 minutes?" Without hesitation he responded, "Yeah that's right." This guy is training with me for that 12-mile obstacle course in late-November, so I thought he should set the bar higher for himself. "Okay man, so what you should do is give yourself a couple minutes, then start having sex with her again. That way you're going for the next 45 minutes and you'll get your ab workout." He said, "But I don't want to." Dudes with girlfriends...unbelievable.

6) Recently I referred to a guy who spotted me at the gym who is clearly homosexual. Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes; I just feel weird when he's spotting me and yelling, "Push it mothafucka!" He's a cool dude - I've probably talked to him more than anyone else since I've been working out there. Wow I better stop. Anyway, I wasn't positive he was gay until I saw him yesterday wearing a bandana, green sweat shorts and a Blondie cut-off tanktop. Gaydar went kinda crazy there. Ew.

7) I would like to write a musical called "Van: Middle School Super Cool Superstar." Not really: I just want to mention that 13-year-old girls stay after school and attend practices to watch a hot teacher/coach. But it's not Van's fault. How can you blame the guy? He's just teaching school and coaching sports like anyone else, except he looks really good doing it. It's not like he's a high school teacher - then it would be a different story. Wait...what?

8) I make people smile. Not like in the blog...I mean in public. If you smile at someone, they'll probably smile back. I'm not saying you should be a like a hippie or anything. Fuck that. But smiling's good for people. You should do it more often, even if you're in a bad mood. It might actually take you out of your bad mood. Imagine that?

9) I'm cutting back. Last time I wrote that I smoked my words, but I've been good with it. It's probably drinking that costs more money anyway. Goin to all those bars and shit - fucking cabs and beers, and SoCo and tequila and more beers. Adds up if you think about it. Shit's fun don't get me wrong, but maybe I don't have to drink as much. It's tough to not want to go from 'buzzed' to 'drunk' though. So many possibilites open up, you know? Haha. Fuckin drunken idiots. Everyone is a moron when they're drunk. It's amazing that alcohol is legal.


Denise said...

I made the best investment this year about a week ago... I bought a flask. I can carry what a bar would charge $40 in my purse, and then order a coke and get free refills all night (that usually $2.50) for a fun evening. However, I do have a purse; I don't know where you'd carry yours. Unless you came out drinking with me, but then you'd have to persuade me to share, and I just don't know how that'd go over.

Valerie said...

these are all fantastic observations. my mom is my dental hygienist; is it wrong to say my mom makes love to my mouth? I don’t fear my dental appointments, they’re actually quite relaxing, so I’m with you on that.
And although I do believe you when you say you rock out harder than I do in the car, I think on a scale from 1 to danaconda, I’m probably around a 7.5… I’m pretty up there. And I appreciate when I see other people driving and enjoying their tunes. Makes life a little brighter! I do the occasional belt-out and sing as loud as I can, however, I am most frequently dancing my face off. I have some serious moves that involve the seat belt and the steering wheel. It can be pretty dangerous, though. It requires practice.

Valerie said...

oh and the "and I want a fuckin' retard?" made me laugh out loud in the office. I work for special education services, so I thought it would be best to not explain to my coworker why I'm cracking up... but seriously. awesome.

Annabelle said...

"I don't care: I just want my child to be healthy."

That comment only made sense about 364626.5 centuries ago, when every baby looked like a crack baby. That's like saying, "I don't care what I eat, as long as it nourishes my body." C'mon, people- haven't we advanced past this?

I want your dentist. My dentist uses this high-powered water needle contraption that not ONLY causes my gums to bleed but probably requires a bathing suit. She called it "new technology" but I'm not impressed.

emily said...

"and I want a fuckin' retard?" seriously cracked me the fuck up. for real, doesn't it go without saying that you would rather your child not be all sickly or whatever?

i am going to have to argue with you on the whole dentist thing. not only does my dentist rock at all things mouth...she also has flat screen televisions mouthed over the chair so that when you are horizontal you can watch tv or a dvd. she basically wins the award for most rockin' dentist of all time. she's also smokin' hot...it is nice not to look at an ugly (when not watching tv) while getting your teeth worked on.

Hater Von G said...

my dentist rapes my mouth and my trainer at the gym has pectoral muscles that will blow. your. mind.