Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The White Stuff

No, I'm not talking about semen, and I'm not making a New Kids On The Block pun. One of our freelance reporters recently covered a story about a photographer with the last name White, and since we recommend reporters submit stories with a headline, the fucking dumb-ass puts that in. I mean, really? How disconnected can you be to send me an article with that headline? Hopefully he gets fired. Either that or I'm gonna jerk off on him. Both work for me.


Jerking off on a guy tangent: I may have told this story before, but whatever...that's kind of my deal. I went to Vegas two years ago with a bunch of dudes. Most of the vacation I hung out with Luke, and we went hard. Can't do Vegas any other way. Anyway, the first two nights we were on a combined three hours of sleep. Gotta love SoCo and Redbull. So we got back to the hotel at 6 a.m. and everyone - about five other dudes - was sleeping. Luke and I were absolutely delirious to the point that we found everything funny. We were sharing a room with Ace who was sound asleep. Suddenly Luke said, "Hey, let's jerk off on Ace!" Obviously we didn't, but the thought of Ace not being friends with us - and having to tell his parents why he's no longer friends with us - made me laugh harder than I ever had in my life. I was in the bathroom shitting and bleeding from my nose because I was laughing so hard. Vegas baby.

Editor's Note: The above tangent may lead you to believe I was also bleeding out of my ass. I was not. Just my nose. I don't know what happened - maybe it was the weather - but I felt like every orifice was vacating. That's some serious laughter.


On a somewhat related note, another reporter of mine went to do a "Speak Out" today - that's when you walk around and ask people a question, and more importantly you need to make sure you take a picture of them. He got four pictures for the paper: One was of an old white man, one of a young white dude, and two black chicks.

But here's the thing: He spoke with multiple white women and got good quotes from them, but none wanted him to take a picture of them for the newspaper. Coincidence? No fucking way. My White Girl Theory strikes again. Black girls are simply more confident, more willing to wear their heart on their sleeve and put it all out in the open. Good for them. And if you're an exception to my ongoing theory (seven years in the making), good for you. If you're grouped in the majority of self-conscious white chicks, snap out of it. You're hot. And if you're not, someone will think you are eventually. I promise.


Juliana said...

aaw that was sweet :-)
good news is, you have a HEART!

Danaconda said...

Let's not go too far.