Friday, September 3, 2010


Look, I can admit it - yesterday's entry wasn't very good. It happens. I don't have any excuse except for the fact that I just didn't seem to be as funny as I normally am. I'm not gonna be like, "Oh, work is demanding" or "I'm having writer's block" or "I sat on my balls too hard and now I can't think."

But yeah, work is demanding and I don't have time to be original today. Therefore I've decided to recycle an entry I wrote in December 2008. I now have almost 365 blog entries and since many were written before anyone read this thing, there are entries I would like my new readers to see. So no, I'm not telling you in the headline to recycle, although you probably should. Have a good weekend, and don't forget to house it.

Editor's Note: HOUSE IT!


Driving Etiquette

You would think most people have driving etiquette...if you're a retard. That's why I feel the need to inform readers about rules of the road, and a little advice to go with it. It's pretty long so don't feel you need to take it all in at once.

Editor's Note: That's what he said.

1) As you can see it's been snowing as of late. When you go to scrape the ice and snow off your car, be sure to get what's on the roof. There are too many people on the road driving with blocks of snow and ice on their roof, and once the car heats up that shit flies off and it can kill someone. All people seem to care about is if they can see, not if they're going to harm somebody else because of their own negligence. Seriously, scrape that shit off your car. You're an inconsiderate asshole if you don't. If it just occurred to you that this is something hazardous to other drivers, I often wish I'm as clueless as you. That's why smart people kill themselves...they can't take all the stupidity around them. Luckily my pre-disposed genetics make me an optimist, despite what you may read on this blog.

2) If you're in the left lane and you're not passing anyone, please move your worthless ass over. It's simple road etiquette that would make life much easier for drivers if people followed it. And if you don't move over and I pass you on the right, try not to speed up for the sake of your pride. It doesn't matter. You're not less of a person if I pass you. Trust me.

3) When you signal to merge onto the highway, you're allowed to turn your signal off after the successful merge. It's okay. We are all aware that you merged; the constant blinking light only proves that you're as oblivious as most.

4) Staying on the merging topic, when you attempt to merge onto the highway, you have to yield, not me. That's called a law. If you really expect me to brake at 60 mph to let you onto the highway, I hope you soil all over yourself and your spouse in the middle of the night leading to a divorce. If you're not married, my guess is it's because you're a prick.

5) If you're driving and you notice a police offer waiting in a speed trap, flash your brights to drivers going the opposite way. Drivers should look out for each other instead of being in constant competition.

Editor's Note: Ever notice people hate cops until they need one?

6) If you drink and drive and/or smoke weed and drive, you increase your chances of getting pulled over and/or into a car accident. It's scary how many people don't seem to grasp this concept.

7) If you're a stupid, typical, rich, suburban asshole, try not to drive up my ass when I'm going 40 in a 30. I can't go any faster. I'm not one of those rich people that can pay off a cop when they pull me over. Getting pulled over is not an enjoyable process and I like to keep it to a minimum. You being in my ass because your daughter needs to go to Gymboree doesn't help, you stuck-up whore.

8) If I'm in a crowded parking lot and clearly signaling to turn into an open parking spot - and you steal the spot from me - expect a fight to happen. There's very few things I would fight over, and that's one of them. If you're bigger than me, hopefully I'll have a golf club in my trunk. If you're ridiculously bigger than me, I'll take the advice my co-worker gave me: "If a guy a lot bigger than you wants to kick your ass, just tell him you're HIV positive."

9) Don't rear-end an ambulance on the Palisades Parkway: It's not fun.

10) Look, I understand that you're old and you've accomplished a lot in your life and you have a great source of pride, and I should have respect for you and all that shit, but you have to realize that 98% of old people (Age 70 and older) are a hazard to the road. I know it's not easy, but the elderly have to know when to call it quits. Often they are unable to, so it's up to their child/grandchild to take their car away before something horrible happens. Most grandparents think their grandchildren are perfect - so it's tough to disagree with a grandparent - but this is for the best. I've seen and I've heard too much fucked up shit to be convinced that old people should be driving. A re-test should be administered at age 70...hopefully Obama can make that move.

11) If you're a trucker and I pump my fist for you to honk your awesome horn, you better fuckin' do it. If you don't...I guess there's really nothing I can do. Dick.

12) Stop giving the middle finger like it's your job. Save it for when you really need it. Look, I know you feel tough because you're in your car, but when shit goes down I bet you'll be a pussy. Better you don't instigate with an unnecessary profane gesture.

13) Staying on the topic of feeling tough: Men need to stop acting tough just because they're arguing with a woman in another car. I guarantee if that was a man you wouldn't be acting the way you are. I understand that chivalry can be overrated, but it's a lot easier to act like a tough guy when a woman's on the other end.

14) For guys, if you're about to beef with another dude on the road, don't lose your cool. It's not worth it. Instead, blow the man a kiss. Nothing pisses guys off more than when you do that. If he then predictably says, "What are you some kind of fag?" Just say: "Has anyone ever told you how pretty your mouth is?" then hope he doesn't have a gun.

15) If you ride a motorcycle and you recklessly weave in and out of traffic: Fuck you.

16) If another driver's trunk is open or gas cap is off, you should try to make an effort to make them aware instead of being a douche bag and continuing to drive. People just think, "It's not my problem," meanwhile I'm sure you would want someone to let you know if you were in their position. Treat people how you want to be treated. Remember when you were taught that...when you were 2?

17) Last but not least: If you're from Massachusetts, Connecticut or New Jersey, take public transportation as often as possible.


Benny said...

Ahh, brought back memories of when I used to drive. Memories of how much stress it adds to your life and memories of how fun it is to see people's worst sides come out... and how fun it is to fuck with people who can't do anything back to you while you're in the right.
And the Palisades Parkway really is the heart of it all. I didn't appreciate it until I got caught in a traffic jam in Quebec. People don't curse at teach other and they don't cut each other off violently, but that left me terrified that each and every one of them was secretly ready to stab each other or throw vials of poison at each other, or whatever it is that gun-hating French Canadians do instead of packing heat.

Stephanie Ann said...

Holy shit this really sounds like you might've been driving down south. Well except for that last one and the whole Palisades Parkway thing. It all sounds like perfect advice though. Although I wouldn't recommend the whole "telling a guy he has a pretty mouth" thing down here because 1)whether male or female, we take that shit really personally and 2)yes, they more than likely have a gun.

Geophrie said...

I would like to testify that number 14 works charms.

In high school I took a sign language test, I learned how to say "I'm sorry officer, I can't hear you." Haven't got a speeding ticket yet. And I've been stopped quite a few times.

Valerie said...

geophrie - GENIUS. I'm doing that next time.

as for "you got a perty mouth", that's also fantastic. guys flip out over this type of talk. if i was a dude, i'd say things like that all the time.

i have a buddy, Mike, that is a rather large dude, like 6'6" and probably around 250-275 lbs. Anyway, one time some dude got angry and pushed Mike in a bar. Instead of kicking this guy's ass, Mike decided to wrestle him to the floor (oh yeah, Mike was a state champ wrestler too...) and held him down. While petting the guy's head he lovingly whispered in his ear "you calm down. shhh... you calm down now." the guy was soooooo angry and squirmed for a bit. After a while, what could he do? he had to calm down. and Mike let him up. If I was a huge dude, I'd do things like that all the time.

I guess that has nothing to do with driving or telling guy's they have pretty mouths. but I just like that story...

Annah said...

#11 is the greatest thing, like ever. My dad's a truck driver. LMAO

Also, what does house it mean!!!!!??! Tell me in your next comment because I won't come back here. I'm sorry, I never come back to old comment sections. Love me still.

Sara said...

First of all, number seven? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Second of all, Valerie - that story was fucking genius.

Third of all, I had a shit-tastic time with traffic at lunch so thank you for posting this.

orion said...

This never bothered me because my family always used a car service.

Rebecca said...

I blame my writers block on you.

Just sayin'.

Christina In Wonderland said...

For shame. Recycling old posts? Tsk. Tsk.

But I swear this post reminded me why I hate driving so much... as if I ever forgot.

Danaconda said...

EVERYBODY - Usually I answer each specifically, which I will continue to do, but since I recycled this post I'll continue the theme of being a lazy fuck.

Glad this entertained you all and helped you remember that people are fucking assholes, haha. And yes, Geophrie's idea is genius.