Friday, October 8, 2010

Bringin' It Back: Strippers And Haircuts

After speaking with a few readers I've decided that for now, on Fridays I will be recycling previous posts that I think people should read. Why? Because it's fucking funny, that's why.

Editor's Note: Also because blog readership on Fridays is statistically way, way down. Like, 37-dicks-in-a-row down. Don't know if you all saw "Clerks."

I'm pretty sure the heavy majority of you weren't reading my blog back in February, so I thought my post about the similarities between a lap dance and a haircut would be applicable. Have a good weekend, and don't forget to house it.


The Barber Club

Recently I was at a strip club; recently I received a haircut. And you know what? Getting a lap dance and getting a haircut is much more similar than you would think. Allow me to explain.

Right off the bat, obviously it's different in the sense that you have to pay a cover to get in a strip club, unlike a barber shop. But after you walk in you get to pick whoever you want to give you a haircut, just like you pick whoever you want to give you a lapdance. If you want to wait for someone specific, you wait...if you're a frequent attendee at the barber shop you probably have someone in mind, just like if you're a frequent strip club goer.

You look around the barber shop and you'll notice rows of barbers giving haricuts, just like at a club you'll notice rows of women giving lapdances. The customers don't pay attention to anyone else, though they may instinctively look to either side only to quickly look forward again to avoid any awkward eye contact. You don't go to a barber shop/strip club to meet people.

Editor's Note: One other difference is that you can bring friends to either place, however it is much more pathetic if you go to a strip club alone than a barber shop. Another difference is that going to a barber shop drunk is not recommended, meanwhile I've never been to a strip club sober.

So you find who you're looking for and you take a seat. It's just you and your barber/dancer. No one's there to bother can sit in your chair and relax. If you feel like having a conversation, they will always reciprocate. If you have a question for them, they will always give you an answer and odds are they'll do it with a smile on their face, maintaining eye contact. If you tell your stripper/barber a joke they will laugh every time, even if they don't understand the punchline. Because remember, they just want you to feel comfortable. Therefore if you merely feel like being quiet and enjoying the moment, that is also quite alright.

Editor's Note: Obviously a haircut takes longer than a lapdance. However, there have been times in which I've gotten a lapdance for 10 minutes (for $20), which is also the same amount of time I've gotten a haircut in. Both situations are extremely rare. Lapdances shouldn't be that long and haircuts shouldn't be that quick.

But there are little instructions here and there that you need to follow for 1) your safety and 2) to make the experience better. In terms of your safety, you can't jerk your head while getting a haircut or else the scissors/razor will cut you. At a strip club, you can't be grabbing titties or else a big-ass guido will beat the shit out of you. Regarding comfortability, a stripper may tell you to adjust your package a certain way for the lapdance to feel better, or she might just move your legs and/or package for you. When you get a haircut, the barber tells you which way you need to move your head so he can perform efficiently. Some barbers are more aggressive - they'll move your head for you without asking. Hopefully your stripper or barber will at some point ask the question: "Is this okay?"

Now depending on the night there may be a barber who's in a rush to cut your hair because either 1) He wants to go home, or 2) He has a lot of clients and needs to hurry up to fit them all in. Same with a stripper. Sometimes they rush, sometimes they don't. Depends on their mood and how much they like you. Either way, the main objective is for both to make money and to do it fast.

Editor's Note: Because you are fully aware that your barber/stripper is there to make money, you are not even slightly jealous at how many customers they serve on a daily basis. You understand that it can't just be about you, no matter how much you want it to be.

So you get the haircut/lapdance and now it's over. In both situations, you either feel extremely satisfied or extremely aggravated. To clarify: Either you love your haircut or hate it...there are few better feelings than a great haircut, just like there are few worse feelings than getting a shitty haircut. Likewise, it is a greatly satisfying feeling to get a lapdance, just like at times it can be equally as unsatisfying. Getting a terrible haircut is like getting massive blueballs - both take extended time to recover from...both make you feel like you're not yourself.

Your main goal in choosing a barber is to get your haircut then leave the barbershop thinking, "That was awesome...I'm definitely getting a haircut from him again," just like you'll leave a strip club thinking, "Damn, that bitch freaked it. I can't wait to get a lapdance from her again...I hope she sucks dick." Conversely, if your haircut sucked you'll never go back to the same guy, just like if your lapdance sucked you'll never go back to the same stripper.

Okay, so like I said your haircut is finished. Assuming it was a good haircut, you feel great. You feel like the sky is the limit...only first you have to shower. You have loose hairs all over the back of your neck and you're itchy as hell. After the shower you're good to go. Similarly, after an awesome lapdance you feel superb. But when you leave the club either you smell like strippers, jizz or vadge sweat. You must shower to get that shit off of you, otherwise you will undoubtedly be uncomfortable.

But before you leave the shop/strip club, you have to pay of course. It costs $20 to get a lap dance; at some places with tip, it costs about that to get a haircut. Throw a shave in there and you're well over $20, just like if you get a kick-ass lapdance that makes you want to tip more. No matter what you tip, the barber/stripper will be appreciative and they will hope you come back, assuming you didn't misbehave.

Good doing business with you.


The Adorkable Ditz said...

I never really thought about those two things being the same but they do seem oddly similar. I personally have never had a lap dance so I can't say so for that, but the haircut thing, all the way!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I can't tell if I want a lap dance or a haircut right now, so THANKS.

I'm sure you're very proud of yourself for spotting this. You probably should be.



The Ranter's Box said...

Ha! Ha! re: smelling like strippers, jizz or vadge sweat. You certainly have a way with words. Now please bring your hairy/sweaty self over to my snarky little blog and click follow ; )

Happy Weeekend! The Empress

theTsaritsa said...

It's all about customer service! I never had a lapdance, but I sat next to someone on a couch who got a topless lapdance from a stripper. The customer is always right, unless you grab the titties!

LaraLev said...

I think this really only applies for guys.

I got a complimentary lapdance last week that 1. was in a bar/lounge 2. included my legs being throw over my head and an ass-ram simulation and 3. ended with someone ELSE tipping the guy.

I don't think there's a haircut equivalent for that.

Then again, this particular lapdance wasn't exactly conventional.

leiamarie82 said...

One more similarity/difference. Barber: if you pick the wrong shop, you run the risk of getting head lice. Stripper: if you pick the wrong club, you run the risk of getting other-head lice.


I've had lap dances from both sexes (lol don't hate)...and I'm a stylist that NEVER got my hair done by anyone else (sucks for me)....but I can say this...FEMALE STRIPPERS SUCK! LOL Ya'll only get a small variety of tit's and asses in your faces...WE STRAIGHT GALS GET IT ALL! We not only get a variety to physical shit...WE GET A FUCKING SHOW! Baby oil, Pudding, cock puppet shows all of that!!! LOL If guys knew half the shit that go down at 'our' strip club, you suckas wouldn't let us go BELIEVE THAT! Lol!

...but then again, men are easy to please than a mother fucker!

*fuck em'
*feed em'
...*shut the fuck up=a happy man ;)

Dana said...

Try not to suck any dick on your way to the parking lot.

Also a good rule for receiving a lapdance/haircut

Heather said...

I tagged you in a blog game. I know, you're so popular. And you're the only dude blog that I read so I had to include you. Also, I have a crush on your penis. Now you have to do it.

Don't you hate it when people comment on your blog about stuff that has nothing to do with what you wrote about? :D

Anonymous said...

Well darn it all..

Sure, I go and read all your archives, and then you start posting them again!

Oh well.

Paige said...

nothing is grosser than vag sweat well maybe dick juice...maybe

Danaconda said...

The Adorkable Ditz - I guess one day it just came to me. I was getting a haircut when I was high and everything sort of connected.

Lorraine - I'm insanely proud of myself. Wouldn't it be cool if there was a girl who could do both?

The Ranter's Box - Okay I did it, but I'm actually not hairy or sweaty. I have hair in all the right places and I sweat when necessary ;p

theTsaritsa - Actually this one time in Texas this huge-tittied stripper let me go to town on her was heavenly.

LaraLev - Something tells me you would be a worthy strip club companion.

leiamarie82 - Ew: Offsides comment goes to you. Well done. I think every comment section needs one of these :)

FALEN - I saw a show once about the performance men give to women. I can't say I'm jealous of women in that sense, but I definitely am in the amount of effort men give. Man do I wish women gave half the effort to dudes that we do to chicks. On a side note, I feel like I'd be a kick-ass male stripper.

Dana - Thank you for getting the Clerks reference. I don't know what I'd do if my barber tried to blow me afterwards, haha.

Heather - Na, I don't hate it - any comment is cool with me for the most part. Just telling me I'm the only blog you read coupled with a penis crush is more than enough anyway. Thanks for the tag.

Anonymous - Yeah it's only once a week and I'm not sure if I'm gonna cop out like that every time. It's just that there are so many I feel will be unread so I might keep doing it. You can still go back though...maybe you can even recommend one for me to recycle?

Paige - I don't know dick juice from experience, but I feel like it's grosser. Maybe that's just me.