Thursday, March 3, 2011

Random Observations, Part XIV

Sometimes I notice things. I know...profound. When I do I either put them in my memory bank - and subsequently forget them - or I put it on the blog. So from my fingers to your eyes, yet again are what I so originally dub, "Random Observations."

1) The New York Times' website ran a story about remedial math on its front page. I don't know - if I was a kid in remedial math and the Times had a picture of me in class I'd be pretty pissed. "Hey everybody, look at me...I'm a fuckin' retard!"

I kid. Well, not about the Times picture - about you remedials being retarded. I was a C-student my whole life so I have no right to tell you that you suck at life because you think an asymptote is a pimple on your genitals.

Editor's Note: I gotta give Lily props for thinking that when herpes are in remission, they're "remedial." Don't ask how the conversation started.

2) Charlie Sheen is in my spam section. This motherfucker is so big right now that I'm getting spam comments that relate to him. And now look - I'm fucking writing about him. No...I refuse. Consider this observation "deleted."

3) Things look cooler in Roman numerals. My headline is a perfect example. Also, what looks better: "He made me orgasm six times last night," or "He made me orgasm VI times last night?" I don't think there's much debate. I do, however, regret typing this because now it looks like a dude made me orgasm VI times. Again, consider this "deleted."

Editor's Note: And in come the jokes from the suburb kids. You guys are as predictable as a pedophile at a science fair.

4) I've jerked off more times while driving than I've gotten road head. It's not like I J.O. in the car all the time...I've only done it twice. Turns out I've only gotten road housed once though. And let me tell you: Either way, it's quite inconvenient upon climax. With road head it's easier because you can just finish in her mouth (high-five!). When you wack it ya gotta find a tissue and make sure it doesn't get everywhere. I feel like jerking off while driving is like cleaning your room: It's not ideal, but you feel better afterwards.

Editor's Note: Do chicks masturbate while they drive? It has to be significantly easier.

5) I ate an ice cream sundae for dinner last night. Now is when all the ladies go, "OH MY GOD THAT'S AMAZING!" Well it wasn't. I housed it way too quickly and I regretted it immediately. When I finally got home I managed to muscle down some pieces of chicken parm. Let me tell you: Not a good mix. It was one of those doodies that was more effortless than getting a lap dance at a strip club.

6) Someone stopped following me again. I don't mind. What I do mind, though, is that the douchewater-drinker didn't read the proviso. I demand reasoning for not being my minion anymore. You don't just break up with someone for no reason, do you? either tell them what was wrong or you make something up. It's called common courtesy and I fucking deserve it. Like if you ask me if those jeans make your hips look big, I'm gonna say "fuck yeah" because it's courteous. You're welcome.

7) No one ever says the word "sans." In fact, I would strongly consider detaching myself from this person altogether upon voicing this word. Some words are ones you simply write. 'Sans' is one of them. Like if I wrote, "I had sex with your mom sans your father's presence," that's okay. If I said it the joke wouldn't be funny...just weird. Another one is 'peccadillo.' If you hear a person say to you, "That's a real peccadillo," warning signs should go up.

8) I almost shat myself yesterday. It's what inspired me to do my latest poll. I was at work and really busy, but I had to pee like a camel. So I went to the urinal when suddenly the doodie-wave hit me. I then realized that if I peed too hard, I'd probably squirt out a little bit in the boxer-briefs. It was a very controlled urination filled with patience, endurance and dedication.

9) Camels must pee more than most animals. And horses. You never hear anyone say, "I had to piss like a cat," or "I just peed like an aardvark." It's always either a camel or a horse. Horses also fall under the category of shitting as well. What I mean by that is people tend to either say, "That's a bunch of bullshit" or "That's a bunch of horse shit." Furthermore, when someone has a big dick they're "hung like a horse." Horses have shit on lock.

10) Tons of blogs have mission statements on the top. You know what I mean. They state stuff like, "Ramblings from a person who's had a crazy ride in the game we call life," or "Ramblings from a chick who fucks dudes and writes about it," and shit like that. I'm not denigrating these people, but I have noticed that so many of them include the word "ramblings." I'm sure I'm not the only one who has seen this.

Editor's Note: I used to have one with "ramblings" too, I'll admit it.


Megs said...

After all that, all I can think to say is that I hate ice cream and Charlie Sheen makes me sad.

Aggy said...

"Editor's Note: Do chicks masturbate while they drive? It has to be significantly easier."

It will never cease to amaze me how guys think chicks can just twiddle their diddle all non-chalantly and get off... I can pretty much only get off with solo action if I have a battery powered boyfriend or am watching porn, or, barring those things, at least half an hour to get the job done. Therefore, masturbating while driving has never even crossed my damn mind! We have to go at ourselves from specific angles, and we have to be able to really concentrate, and we need at least a little lube action (self made or artificial) in most cases, AND AND AND...

You guys just have to whip it out and beat it and BOOM, orgasm. Females (MOST females) require a little more... finesse.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Ice cream for dinner is amazing.

You can stop talking about your poop any time now. ;)

And also, those mission statments have a lot of "random" in it too. Like, here would be my top five words I've seen:

Not really sex, but at witty I realized I only had 4 and sex always seems like a good option.


Dr Satire said...

How's the keyboard hanging? Low I hope.
1. The New York Times' website ran a story about remedial math on its front page. - See, the thing with retards is, they dont mind being retarded. Its part of being retarded. Everyone around them who permits the photos is on the take.
2. Charlie Sheen is in my spam section. - Charlie Sheen is also on every fucking blog. Spare!!
6. Someone stopped following me again. - Yep..
9. Camels must pee more than most animals. - Dude, have you ever seen a camel pee? I lived 3 hrs from a desert once. Trust me, you would drop the 'must'.
10. Tons of blogs have mission statements on the top. - You actually meant blog intros right? Like the FROM THE HEAD OF THE DANACONDA? Just wanted to be clear.. Ah.. but you meant for us to figure and snigger.. haha you funny man you.. had me there..

Bi said...

You forgot "horse's ass".

Also, I applaud your bladder control.. or would it be bowel control? Either way, it sounds like it was a heroic effort on your part.

Danaconda said...

Megs - That's okay, at least you said something. Not many people hate ice cream so I kinda give you props for that. In terms of Charlie, what makes me sad is how much people care. He as a person is, however, quite entertaining.

Aggy - Though I see why you would think that, it's not what I meant. Maybe I didn't phrase it right. I simply meant that all you have to do is stick your fingers down there while you're driving. For us, we gotta take our pants down and jerk it...I feel like the physical aspect of it is easier, not the finish.

"Battery powered boyfriend..." hahahaha.

Lorraine - 1) I knew if you commented on this entry you would write something along the lines of how much you love ice cream.

2) Poop talk will never cease.

3) I've seen 'random' and 'sarcastic' quite often.

Dr. Satire - Thanks for the long comment...much appreciated.

1) True, but some of them do realize they are, and it tears them apart. You know, those high-functioning types. It's obviously more rare, so overall I agree with your assessment.

2) It's unbelievable.

6) You may borrow my proviso if you wish, or simply add one of your own. Let those fuckers know.

9) You're not the first person to tell me that. Those things can really let it fly apparently. I look forward to seeing this one day. I'm not kidding.

10) I'm pretty sure a mission statement is a brief statement that signifies an objective. I'm not sure if "ramblings from a random dirty slut" would fit that bill, but I think it could. I guess it could be an intro too, but mine is on the bottom of my page. Anyway, "From the Head of the Danaconda" would be more of a title I feel like.

Bi - Good call! And thank you for your applause...*bow*

The Empress said...

Charlie is NOT in my blog's spam compartment, probably because I wouldn't let him fuck me back in the day ...Being that chicks can't just whip out their cookies and give them a few tugs that result in a big-O, NO, I'm fairly certain that most don't masturbate whilst driving. Some no doubt probably try though ... Some dicktard stopped following me today as well. I'm guessing twats like that just can't handle our intelligent musings...

theTsaritsa said...

You really jerk off in the car?? Why am I still surprised? I shouldn't be. It's funny though because I make fun of people who pick their noses in their car. I can't imagine what I'd say if I saw someone whacking it while sitting in traffic.

Kev D. said...

On number IV...

Jerking off, eating a sandwich are three most dangerous things to do while driving, and yet, you only ever hear about the third.

I'm thinking that all Sandwich and Jerking Off related car deaths have been reported as texting.

Anonymous said...

I want to party with Charlie Sheen!

Katsidhe said...

The majority of my friends are guys, and it was only about two years ago that I learned about ya'all jacking off in the car. They complained about the mess, too, and when I got over my shock about learning of this past time, I asked them why they didn't just think ahead and grab something before they started?

I was told that I was such a girl for asking that.

Sleepless in Serrano said...

Well I'm making up for the person that aborted you...I just started following you and love you to pieces.
Just wanted to add - I actually debated masturbating in the car last week. I was beyond horny so I tried it and - uh, no... totally difficult. If I had my handy dandy power tool I could have finished the job. Hmmm...maybe I should start keeping one in the glove compartment...LOL

Penny Lane said...

I had an hour long conversation with someone, last night, about road head. That was either too much or too little time.

Also, I was sitting in a room the other day and some said sans. Yup that happened.

THUNDERCAT832 said...

I finally saw Hall Pass last night and thought about this post when during the JERKING IN THE MINI VAN SCENE!!! lmmfao!! Holy Sweet Jesus!

t.WeeZy said...

Yo it's me again.

First, please don't stop blogging about your shit biscuits...It makes me feel less lonely.

Second, from experience on a long ass boring trip home from TN, I tried frigging myself to completion and instead, nearly drove myself off a cliff enbankment. Ironic, cuz orgasming for me sometimes feels like falling off a cliff.

*whew* That felt like going to confessional, or what I'd imagine confessional feels like. However, if I did go to confessional, I probably wouldn't confess to that last thing I said.

Back to the third and last t.Weezy observation (cuz this is prolly the longest blog comment in blog history) or III in numerals, I had a 'made you look moment' when you mentioned how a lot of people have 'ramblings of' in their mission statements.

I don't...but I thought about it. ;) Great post.

Nicki said...

Ok, number 9...I nearly pissed myself reading this! I have had penis envy about 3 times in my life. The most recent being this past summer when I threw out my back and couldn't sit for more than 30 seconds for 5 weeks. I am not exaggerating here! I wished I had a penis then!!! But holy shit...I never realized the dilemma you men go through. At least when we women have to shit and pee at the same time unexpectedly, we are free to do so unless there are others in the stalls next to you.

I only have 65 followers. I don't like losing them. In the past year, I have lost a handful and I get so pissed. You are right. Give me a fuckin reason, asshole! You don't have to like me but don't be a wimp about it!

Nicki said...

Oh...and I am with Aggy. I never thought to masturbate while driving. The vehicle would not afford me the room I need and I would surely lose contact with the pedals! Besides, I am not wasting a half hour's worth of gas at these prices in order to reach that destination!

Lizzie said...

I've totally masturbated in the car before and it was awesome. Not EASY, per se, but worth it. Long road trips require some entertainment.

So do long-haul truck drivers.

Nicole said...

4) I'd really like to go on denying that I've ever attempted, but given that I have driven more in the last six years than many people will in their entire lives, and most of that consisted of long, lonely road trips, I'll own to the fact that I have. Unsuccessfully. I think Aggy summed it up perfectly (yes, you best believe I read the whole comments section before owning to this). It's just really damned difficult. At some point I realized that it just wasn't worth the inevitable car accident. While my fatality clearly wouldn't be a big loss to anyone, my car is much too pretty to end like that.

10) I definitely had ramblings in my original tagline. I eliminated it after seeing it approximately 9283498 times. Approximately.

Paige said...

i can honestly say i've never jerked it while would be way too hard to position oneself to do so.

Danaconda said...

The Empress - You are the first person I've ever heard allude to a vagina as a "cookie."

"Chicks whip out their cookies." You're ridiculous. In the best of ways, of course.

theTsaritsa - Whoa there...I don't "jerk off in the car"...I HAVE jerked off in the car. Big difference. It's not a daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly occurrence. I make fun of nose-pickers as well.

Kev D - Haha, that would make for some obituary. Thanks for the laugh.

Katsidhe - You are "a girl" for asking that, but at the same time I agree with you. Although jerking off is often a spontaneous decision, one should figure "I need a tissue or something" as the process begins. Unless the dude wants to just splooge in his underwear, but I'm completely against that. So uncomfortable.

Sleepless in Serrano - Thanks! Yeah, fuck that ex-follower. I would advise you keep one in the glove compartment, but watch out for the cops...imagine if you turned up in a newspaper's police blotter?

"A 25-year-old woman, Sleepless from Serrano was pulled over by police after swerving her vehicle. She was then charged with public exposure and reckless driving as the arresting officer found a battery-charged phallus in her right hand and Kenny G on the radio."

Penny Lane - Someone really said that? I bet he/she's a tool. Prove me wrong. And you can never talk about road head for too long.

THUNDERCAT - Haven't seen the flick but I heard some chick shat in a bathtub. I think I'll wait for it to come out on video.

t.Weezy - Thanks for the compliment. Yeah I feel like the biggest deterrent for chicks masturbating while driving is the consequence of the exploding orgasm. that would occur. Also, don't worry about the shit biscuit, and you can always seek penance by confessing to this blog.

Nicki - HAHA, thanks for the comment. If you look at the results of the poll, I find it staggering that so many women have accidentally shat while on the toilet. You learn something new every day, right?

Oh, and "I almost pissed myself reading this"...was that an intentional pun?

Lizzie - Finally, one chick who's done it and loved it. Well done. It's all about the will to execute.

Nicole - Aw man, maybe you should take some advice from Lizzy. "My car is much too pretty to end like that" - hysterical. I know that when you are to leave a comment, it will cease to disappoint.

Paige - Isn't that why you read my blog? For inspiration?