1) The New York Times' website ran a story about remedial math on its front page. I don't know - if I was a kid in remedial math and the Times had a picture of me in class I'd be pretty pissed. "Hey everybody, look at me...I'm a fuckin' retard!"
I kid. Well, not about the Times picture - about you remedials being retarded. I was a C-student my whole life so I have no right to tell you that you suck at life because you think an asymptote is a pimple on your genitals.
Editor's Note: I gotta give Lily props for thinking that when herpes are in remission, they're "remedial." Don't ask how the conversation started.
2) Charlie Sheen is in my spam section. This motherfucker is so big right now that I'm getting spam comments that relate to him. And now look - I'm fucking writing about him. No...I refuse. Consider this observation "deleted."
3) Things look cooler in Roman numerals. My headline is a perfect example. Also, what looks better: "He made me orgasm six times last night," or "He made me orgasm VI times last night?" I don't think there's much debate. I do, however, regret typing this because now it looks like a dude made me orgasm VI times. Again, consider this "deleted."
Editor's Note: And in come the jokes from the suburb kids. You guys are as predictable as a pedophile at a science fair.
4) I've jerked off more times while driving than I've gotten road head. It's not like I J.O. in the car all the time...I've only done it twice. Turns out I've only gotten road housed once though. And let me tell you: Either way, it's quite inconvenient upon climax. With road head it's easier because you can just finish in her mouth (high-five!). When you wack it ya gotta find a tissue and make sure it doesn't get everywhere. I feel like jerking off while driving is like cleaning your room: It's not ideal, but you feel better afterwards.
Editor's Note: Do chicks masturbate while they drive? It has to be significantly easier.
5) I ate an ice cream sundae for dinner last night. Now is when all the ladies go, "OH MY GOD THAT'S AMAZING!" Well it wasn't. I housed it way too quickly and I regretted it immediately. When I finally got home I managed to muscle down some pieces of chicken parm. Let me tell you: Not a good mix. It was one of those doodies that was more effortless than getting a lap dance at a strip club.
6) Someone stopped following me again. I don't mind. What I do mind, though, is that the douchewater-drinker didn't read the proviso. I demand reasoning for not being my minion anymore. You don't just break up with someone for no reason, do you? No...you either tell them what was wrong or you make something up. It's called common courtesy and I fucking deserve it. Like if you ask me if those jeans make your hips look big, I'm gonna say "fuck yeah" because it's courteous. You're welcome.
7) No one ever says the word "sans." In fact, I would strongly consider detaching myself from this person altogether upon voicing this word. Some words are ones you simply write. 'Sans' is one of them. Like if I wrote, "I had sex with your mom sans your father's presence," that's okay. If I said it the joke wouldn't be funny...just weird. Another one is 'peccadillo.' If you hear a person say to you, "That's a real peccadillo," warning signs should go up.
8) I almost shat myself yesterday. It's what inspired me to do my latest poll. I was at work and really busy, but I had to pee like a camel. So I went to the urinal when suddenly the doodie-wave hit me. I then realized that if I peed too hard, I'd probably squirt out a little bit in the boxer-briefs. It was a very controlled urination filled with patience, endurance and dedication.
9) Camels must pee more than most animals. And horses. You never hear anyone say, "I had to piss like a cat," or "I just peed like an aardvark." It's always either a camel or a horse. Horses also fall under the category of shitting as well. What I mean by that is people tend to either say, "That's a bunch of bullshit" or "That's a bunch of horse shit." Furthermore, when someone has a big dick they're "hung like a horse." Horses have shit on lock.
10) Tons of blogs have mission statements on the top. You know what I mean. They state stuff like, "Ramblings from a person who's had a crazy ride in the game we call life," or "Ramblings from a chick who fucks dudes and writes about it," and shit like that. I'm not denigrating these people, but I have noticed that so many of them include the word "ramblings." I'm sure I'm not the only one who has seen this.
Editor's Note: I used to have one with "ramblings" too, I'll admit it.