Monday, June 4, 2012


Been about three months since these hands have given the keyboard a good ol' strokin, so we'll start with March for now:

Editor's Note: Like when you take off a guy's pants, this could be long or it could be short. Either way, the main goal is for me to feel satisfied while simultaneously attempting to fulfill your needs.

I dedicated myself to following up on phone calls, online dating and staying out late. There was a 3-day period that could sum it up very well:

Monday: I was on a date with...wait for it...A GIRL! I had met her approximately 10 days earlier at a bar in Hoboken where we ended up having a makeout session before I walked her to the train and gave her a goodbye kiss/butt-squeeze.

Editor's Note/Tangent: I don't blog regularly anymore so I can't allude to my friends as much as I used to. You may remember my buddy Luke - he says that when you meet a girl the first night, you should always spank her. This subsequently tells you immediately whether or not the female is interested in you. As much as I appreciate this notion I don't fully support it, however there are times when which I will incorporate some hand-on-booty action.

So I took this girl to a cheap bar with an amazing happy hour because I'm not an "all-out-spend-100-bucks" first date kind of guy. Anyway long story short, after dinner I took her to a place I could only hope she would even consider referring to as, "her happy place."

Tuesday: Went on a first date with someone I had been talking to regularly from Please don't think I'm going to waste my time defending why I'd try online dating...that should be obvious. What was great about this girl was we hit it off immediately on the phone and it was the first time I had real emotions since my ex. But before the date, I'm in Manhattan on my way over and I fucking ran into the fucking girl from last night.

Editor's Note: The second "fucking" has a double meaning.

She did live pretty close to where I was walking, but still very weird. After laughing that off I hopped on the train and went on an enjoyable date. There was no physical spark on either of our ends, but we both had a good time and kept in touch for another few weeks until it phased out. I definitely would have banged her if it presented itself, but I don't feel I truly missed out on anything.

Wednesday: Okay bear with me on this one. I'm at the same bar I was at on Monday, this time with a colleague and an intern. We're knocking drinks back when suddenly - I don't know how - Colleague gets in a conversation with what I observed as one butch woman and one not-so-attractive-but-she-has-big-tits woman. Me and Intern are looking at each other with the kind of look you know...when your friend is talking to a couple of ugly chicks.

Editor's Note: I just realized how much I'm messing up my tenses, but I don't give a fuck because blogging is different than writing. I love that.

Intern wisely opted to completely disassociate himself from the conversation. The first woman is in her 40's - she looks like Jane Lynch and she's a fucking gym teacher. Her friend is 33 and teaches some subject that's as irrelevant to this story as it was to me at the time. I had been feeling very indifferent toward these women and whenever they spoke to me I was extremely candid. For example, "I had to take a big shit today."

Not only did they not mind, they insisted that I get with 33's best friend. So now I'm looking at pictures of this average woman who's in her late 30's and is "sooo amazing" that she can't find a man who wants to tolerate her for life. I'm not saying that's the correct assumption, but it's what my "high-buzz, low drunk" told me at the time.

Me, Colleague and Intern then left the bar at around 10:00 to 'take a lap.' If you can't figure out what that means it's fine...some stuff isn't for everyone. So a half-hour later we went back and the women were still there. Then we started drinking for real.

By what I remember to be 12:30-1:00, Colleague went home while me and Intern stayed back. At this point I had basically been drinking, laughing, trading insults and getting my weiner grabbed by these women for about 2 hours. Suddenly Intern leaves because some girl wanted to blow him at his apartment, then the gym teacher left as well. After 2 minutes 33 said, "I'm not going to hook you up with my friend anymore." That left me and 33.

The bar is a 30-minute train ride from my apartment and she lived even further. We then proceeded to stumble out of the bar and hookup on random sidewalks for about 20 minutes. It was sloppy, and by "sloppy" I mean "I was getting a blowjob on 18th Street and my imminent arrest was a coin flip."

After she realized what the fuck she was doing...that stopped, but I remembered that Intern had told me to call him if I needed a place to crash. 33 didn't mind because she clearly proved herself, so on we went to Intern's living room. But wait...

My fucking bag. Gone.

It's one of your typical black laptop cases with a shoulder strap, and my inebriated ass knew that I had it at the bar. But here I am...on Park Avenue at 2 a.m. missing a bag with my laptop, random shit, and a $500 bond that I had recently taken from my house.

33 was a really good sport and seemed to appreciate the fact that I wasn't noticeably panicking. I figured the best bet was to use drunken memory and retrace our steps, beginning with the bar. As we left the bar again to continue this venture, I took the lead as I tried to remember all the random spots we hooked up at in the pitch black.

Editor's Note: Pardon the arbitrary anecdote, but it's amazing how I can finger a girl and she could think it was mediocre, and I could do it the same way to a different girl and she'll squirt. 

I was so drunk yet so focused and after a couple of minutes of marching I looked over to my right and there it was. I felt so happy I wanted to run naked down 18th Street. Sorry if that was anti-climactic, but it was really fucking lucky and it's my fucking blog so go suck something.

Anyway to sum up the rest of the night, I fucked a teacher on my Intern's couch at 4 a.m., then made it to work at 9 and put in 9 hours.

Editor's Note: That sentence is one of many definitions of the word, "Adult."


Erin likes it hot. said...

Great job getting your bag back. And our little Danny is all grow'ed up and shit. Finger fucking adults and referring to his subornates as interns.

Penny Lane said...

Welcome back to the blogging world...I've been waiting.
You are a stallion, a stallion.

Danny's Mom said...

lol "Fucking bag" I thought that was referring to a condom.

Risha said...

Your intern sounds like he's having a pretty fantastic internship. None of mine were ever this fun!

Lorraine said...

I don't think I'd really want to be your intern. But. It is nice to know you are alive and stuff.