Been about three months since these hands have given the keyboard a good ol' strokin, so we'll start with March for now:
Note: Like when you take off a guy's pants, this could be long or it
could be short. Either way, the main goal is for me to feel satisfied
while simultaneously attempting to fulfill your needs.
dedicated myself to following up on phone calls, online dating and
staying out late. There was a 3-day period that could sum it up very
Monday: I was on a
date with...wait for it...A GIRL! I had met her approximately 10 days
earlier at a bar in Hoboken where we ended up having a makeout session
before I walked her to the train and gave her a goodbye
Editor's Note/Tangent: I don't
blog regularly anymore so I can't allude to my friends as much as I used
to. You may remember my buddy Luke - he says that when you meet a girl
the first night, you should always spank her. This subsequently tells
you immediately whether or not the female is interested in you. As
much as I appreciate this notion I don't fully support it, however
there are times when which I will incorporate some hand-on-booty action.
I took this girl to a cheap bar with an amazing happy hour because I'm
not an "all-out-spend-100-bucks" first date kind of guy. Anyway long
story short, after dinner I took her to a place I could only hope she
would even consider referring to as, "her happy place."
on a first date with someone I had been talking to regularly from
match.com. Please don't think I'm going to waste my time defending why
I'd try online dating...that should be obvious. What was great about
this girl was we hit it off immediately on the phone and it was the
first time I had real emotions since my ex. But before the date, I'm in
Manhattan on my way over and I fucking ran into the fucking girl from
Editor's Note: The second "fucking" has a double meaning.
did live pretty close to where I was walking, but still very weird.
After laughing that off I hopped on the train and went on an enjoyable
date. There was no physical spark on either of our ends, but we both had
a good time and kept in touch for another few weeks until it phased
out. I definitely would have banged her if it presented itself, but I don't feel I truly missed out on anything.
bear with me on this one. I'm at the same bar I was at on Monday, this
time with a colleague and an intern. We're knocking drinks back when
suddenly - I don't know how - Colleague gets in a conversation with what
I observed as one butch woman and one
not-so-attractive-but-she-has-big-tits woman. Me and Intern are looking
at each other with the kind of look you give...you know...when your
friend is talking to a couple of ugly chicks.
Note: I just realized how much I'm messing up my tenses, but I don't
give a fuck because blogging is different than writing. I love that.
wisely opted to completely disassociate himself from the conversation.
The first woman is in her 40's - she looks like Jane Lynch and she's a
fucking gym teacher. Her friend is 33 and teaches some subject that's as
irrelevant to this story as it was to me at the time. I had been
feeling very indifferent toward these women and whenever they spoke to
me I was extremely candid. For example, "I had to take a big shit
Not only did they not mind, they insisted that
I get with 33's best friend. So now I'm looking at pictures of this
average woman who's in her late 30's and is "sooo amazing" that she
can't find a man who wants to tolerate her for life. I'm not saying
that's the correct assumption, but it's what my "high-buzz, low drunk"
told me at the time.
Me, Colleague and Intern then left
the bar at around 10:00 to 'take a lap.' If you can't figure out what
that means it's fine...some stuff isn't for everyone. So a half-hour
later we went back and the women were still there. Then we started
drinking for real.
By what I remember to be 12:30-1:00,
Colleague went home while me and Intern stayed back. At this point I
had basically been drinking, laughing, trading insults and getting my
weiner grabbed by these women for about 2 hours. Suddenly Intern leaves
because some girl wanted to blow him at his apartment, then the gym
teacher left as well. After 2 minutes 33 said, "I'm not going to hook
you up with my friend anymore." That left me and 33.
bar is a 30-minute train ride from my apartment and she lived even
further. We then proceeded to stumble out of the bar and hookup on
random sidewalks for about 20 minutes. It was sloppy, and by "sloppy" I
mean "I was getting a blowjob on 18th Street and my imminent arrest was a
After she realized what the fuck she was doing...that
stopped, but I remembered that Intern had told me to call him if I
needed a place to crash. 33 didn't mind because she clearly proved
herself, so on we went to Intern's living room. But wait...
My fucking bag. Gone.
one of your typical black laptop cases with a shoulder strap, and my
inebriated ass knew that I had it at the bar. But here I am...on Park
Avenue at 2 a.m. missing a bag with my laptop, random shit, and a $500
bond that I had recently taken from my house.
33 was a
really good sport and seemed to appreciate the fact that I wasn't
noticeably panicking. I figured the best bet was to use drunken memory
and retrace our steps, beginning with the bar. As we left the bar again
to continue this venture, I took the lead as I tried to remember all the
random spots we hooked up at in the pitch black.
Note: Pardon the arbitrary anecdote, but it's amazing how I can finger a
girl and she could think it was mediocre, and I could do it the same
way to a different girl and she'll squirt.
so drunk yet so focused and after a couple of minutes of marching I
looked over to my right and there it was. I felt so happy I wanted to
run naked down 18th Street. Sorry if that was anti-climactic, but it was
really fucking lucky and it's my fucking blog so go suck something.
to sum up the rest of the night, I fucked a teacher on my Intern's
couch at 4 a.m., then made it to work at 9 and put in 9 hours.
Editor's Note: That sentence is one of many definitions of the word, "Adult."