Monday, June 25, 2012

Two Years Ago

So I was perusing my blog a little bit today, and because my next post will be much more reflective than humorous I felt the need to re-post this. Enjoy!

Editor's Note: To the ones who still read this - thanks for sticking around. I can't believe this blog is still on your radar considering my pathetic showing over the last year and a half.

Addendum to Editor's Note: Fuck I miss this.

Fat on the Bone

These are the headlines of my four most recent entries:

1) Masturbation Nation
2) V for Vagina
3) I Buttfucked A Pie With My Mouth
4) Shit On Your Dick (guest post by Sara)

You can look at this as a lack of versatility, but I see it as the complete opposite. Obviously most of my material is overly-sexual and ridiculously profane, so each entry could be looked at as somewhat similar in that regard. But I'd like to think of each blog entry as a sex session - all sex is similar in a sense, but different positions make it a different experience. I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself anyway, so fuck you.

Editor's Note: I do kinda want my prose to make filthy love to my readers, so there's definitely a correlation here. Not the dudes though...I ain't makin' love to no dudes. Finger in the butt, perhaps?

I haven't been insulting my readers nearly enough lately. The thing is, not only have the comments been increasing - they're actually funny. How am I supposed to deprecate all over the faces of my readers when they keep giving me gold? I'm sure I can figure out some sort of middleground here.

Until then, I feel like writing about fat-sex. I'm not sure if my significantly-smarter-than-me other planned on writing about this - we had a hysterical conversation about this last night - but she's busy accomplishing things and I'm not, so as they say in elementary school, "Na-na-na-na-na."

Editor's Note: This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but what ever happened to the adjective "phat?" Instead now people say "hot." I miss "phat."

So yeah, two huge people boning. I'm talkin' morbidly, "Let me lift up my belly and rest it on your back before we do it fat-doggy style." At first I thought it was gross, but now I'm beginning to think it's kind of beautiful - you know, the notion of two massively overweight people slapping sweaty skin together as they thrust in attempts to reach their fat-zenith. Okay, I guess it's not so beautiful after all.

I just mean "beautiful" in the sense that I'm all about people finding pleasure. Whether or not I find it repulsive is irrelevant, because all that matters is that they're happy fucking each other's fat-pockets. Like I've said before, I think the concept of two dudes gettin' down is nasty as hell, but it doesn't mean they can't b-fuck each other's hairy asses if that's what they're into.

The bottom line is, everyone needs to get laid. But when you have two people in their enormity naked and fornicating, the sexual positions in order to gain maximum proficiency become paramount. You have to lean back at certain angles and make sure not to go too fast too soon. Not because of busting too quickly, but because you might run out of breath.

What's interesting to me about fat-people sex is that it seems to be much more intricate, which makes me think it's better. The communication level has to be extensively higher in order for the sex to be worth having, and that in itself makes me believe that people who have corpulent coitus have a greater time than most.

Editor's Note: However, I don't know how oral sex happens. That's also a mystery I don't ever want to solve. Too much belly maneuvering there.

Think about when you have sex with someone - at first the communication level isn't very high. You have to have some awkward sessions when which you don't want to admit that you have no idea what you're doing. Then after awhile you realize that your girl isn't orgasming, and that you have to actually ask her what to do in order for her to like it. Guys are really fucking retarded when it comes to that shit.

But with fat people? They're fat...really fat. And they both know it. You can't exactly hide something like that, so pretty much before every sexcapade they have to sit down and say the following:

"Okay, we doin' this? Should I push my belly to the side this time, or do you want to lift yours up and put your legs behind your head?"

"Uh honey...I'm fuckin' 300 pounds...I can't lift my legs behind my head you dumb bastard."

"Oh what do you want to do then babe?"

"I'll lay on my back, but first we need a few pillows so my vagina can elevate in order for your tiny fat dick to make it in there. Then, you lean back at a 55 degree angle and put it in when I say 'bologna.' That's the secret word. But make sure you put it in RIGHT AS I SAY IT, because we only have a one-second window for you to do this before all of our fat readjusts to block our genitals. Got it?"

"Got it. You ready?"

"Hold on...let me just move my tits around for a sec...God these things are everywhere. Okay...1...2...WAIT! Are those potato chip crumbs in your chest hairs? Can you get those out please? I'm trying to be romantic."

"Sorry honey. I'm ready now. I love you so much."

"I love you too. Okay, 1...2...3...bologna! Quickly! Do it! DO IT!!!!!"

(both): "Aaaaahhhhhhh."

Have a good weekend, and don't forget to house it.


Coyote Rose said...

I knew it was a mistake to read this blog post while I tried to eat dinner.

Annah said...

God, D.... Your mind is a cavernous and scary place.

NellieVaughn said...

I love fat people, but I don't end up dating too many of them. I imagine that if someone walked in on me while I was having sex with a fat boyfriend, and he was on top, it would seem that he was humping the bed. I disappear under them.

jewgene said...

i cant agree with the loving fat ppl comment, shit's just gross. hit the gym instead of hittin ihop for the 7th time this week fatty (dont mean to offend, just dont get how people let themselves get to that point). you're missing one important factor in your thoughts on fat sex: the sounds. they cant be anything like normal-people-having-sex-sounds. think about it, you'll hear some moans, groans, and breathing but then just imagine being stuck next to a morbidly obese person (elevator, in line at cinnabun, wherever you encounter them). has to be different ball game all together. the heaving and panting just from, you know, being alive. i cant think about those being incorporated for more than a few seconds before feeling nauseated. as always, fuck you d. i guess the as always pertains to our general interactions as i've never commented on your amusingly perverted brooding's before

Erin likes it hot. said...

Wow your roommate is a duche and an idiot. How did he manage to send that to you? Have sex in his bed!

Nicki said...

It's so good to have you back and I am totally yelling "bologna" the next time my hubs and I get it on!

LaraLev said...

DUDE. I have been the WORST blog reader (and writer) in the entire world, and I think I might actually be bailing on my blog forever to write real things and save them for being published one day. But I dunno.

ANYWAY, I just wanted to say hi and glad to see you're still semi-housing it and I think that with fat people there's probably a lot more friction and orgasming. Just like. rubbing. and stuff.

(I think I've forgotten how sex works and I also have no fat sex experience so I may be totally off, but that's my initial thought.)

Valerie said...

dude!! How the hell are you? I haven't had a post on my blog for over a year, and get this: I'm getting married in 7 days! man, crazy shit. Anyway, hope your life is as magically inappropriate as always.
If you remember my posts from years ago, Mr. Forestry? yep. marrying that dude. The simple math of it all is: awesome + perfectly shaped penis + makes me laugh every day = Mr. Forestry.