Sunday, March 3, 2013

Feels Good To Be Back

It's not like I haven't provided myself with an abundance of blog-worthy moments over the last year, because that has most certainly been the case. I just haven't felt like writing humorously, which has always been the crux of my prose and something that has obviously established my identity in the blogging world.

I'm lucky in the sense that I'm genetically inclined to be in a good mood. When I get upset, it doesn't usually last for too long. My body basically tells me to see the bright side of things and thus my unwavering optimism typically inspires me to write about the subjects that have repeatedly been tackled in past entries.

Editor's Note: Subjects such as, "sex, shit, big butts, Skittles, drinking, weed, friends and family." Seems weird including the latter two with the former, but whatever.

There are some of you who have gotten to know me without ever "meeting me," and I would imagine that I strike you as someone who is outspoken; a person who wears his heart on his sleeve and is actually quite sensitive and emotional underneath the jokes and continuous sex and big weiner references. You have found over my 475 entries that I love my family very much, and I'm always in a state of self-reflection. On the other hand, I could be entirely off-base.

What you don't know is that over the last five years my father had been fighting pancreatic cancer. You know that I lost my grandmother no less than a year ago, but seven months after that - December 12, 2012 - pops lost the battle. With this loss, and the constant struggle of being the oldest of four and dealing with what has been going on over the years, I have been in a state of blogging limbo - too upset to write about funny shit, yet too fragile to address what has been undoubtedly the most devastating occurrence in my 28 years on this beautiful earth.

So yeah, my dad's dead...and he suffered. People say to me, "He's looking down smiling on you and the rest of your family." No he's not. He's pissed. He worked 12-14 hour days, busting his fucking ass, only to be in extreme physical and emotional turmoil for the final five years of life. No chance at grandchildren, no opportunity to grow old with his amazing wife, and no more ability to appreciate the days that I hold so dear. He's also the one whose antics I have laced this blog with since its inception - the person who was straight up the funniest dude on the planet. Not perfect by any means, but we don't need to get into cliches about perfection right now.

If you're going to respond with your condolences, save it. I don't want to read it. I'm already sick of people I'm friends with coming up to me with their apologies, and I sure as fucking shit don't want to read it from a bunch of people I've never met. See the anger? Major tug-of-war that I'm dealing with on a daily basis. 

Editor's Note: Please understand that I probably mean what I wrote in the paragraph above, yet I truly appreciate all the kind thoughts and words of encouragement people have thrown my way.

I compare what has been going on lately to a Pokemon. I basically feel like I'm a fictional character who has been killed, and in death have evolved into a wiser, stronger being than I was previously. Pikachu into Raichu I believe, if my nerdiness serves me correctly. I feel like I'm on a new plain of existence, one that allows me to understand people more and appreciate the private battles that we all have. It's something we all have in common with one another, yet simultaneously none of us can relate to each other. We're all different, and we all handle our problems in different ways. 

I just re-read what I've written and I'm still not sure what the point is of even putting this on paper - I suppose it's why we all blog to begin with...it's therapeutic. Cathartic. A release. An even more important one than what I did all over your...ah nevermind I can't go there right now.

Editor's Note: Had to do it.

I'm not asking for advice, and I'm not worried about what the future holds. I just think the present fucking sucks. But at the same time, I am so beyond appreciative for everything else it's difficult to put into words. I have to be the rock, the dude who is there for everyone. I know, I know...people have to be there for me too. Don't worry I'm on it. I have people there to listen to me, and every now and then I get my bang on which is equally as important.

This felt good...I've been wanting to write for a long time, and I didn't feel like I could progress this blog without delving into this issue. I just came back from a wedding and I finally felt the fire under my ass to just fucking write already. All I could think about during this ceremony was how happy he would have been to be there, and how much love I have for so many people. How many people I've lost over the years and how profoundly each one of them has helped mold me. I thought about how I've talked less and listened more as of late; how doing what makes you happy eclipses everything else, but at the same time you have to embrace the curveballs and know how to handle your business. Like I said, I've evolved. 

My advice to you is to never hide your emotions - never be anybody but you. There's no point. Like a masturbation session, it's all going to come out sooner or later. You're better off letting your body act as it will, as it was predisposed to behave. If at any point you don't feel like yourself, figure out why. 

Also know that you're not special. You may be unique, successful, attractive, big-bootied and intelligent. But you're not immune to the torture life disperses. And always know that every time you see someone on the train, in a car, on the street, in a classroom or in the mirror - that person is going through something that you have no idea about. Perhaps the sooner you grasp this the more compassion you will have for each soul you come across, and you will subsequently increase your self-worth. Life's too short to pity everyone - and our hearts are only so big - but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate what they're potentially going through. 

Know yourself. Tackle your demons. Trying to escape your tribulations is like trying to outrun the wind. Figure out what the fuck is wrong and fucking fix it. But be patient. Self-betterment is not an immaculate conception, it's a gradual process that comes to fruition at different times for everyone. Respect that. Respect yourself. Love who you are, and if you don't understand why. Don't give up. Never give up. 

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Daniella Robin said...

I hate when people have given me empty words of sympathy so I will spare you. I am glad to see you back, but wish it was on better terms.

Whenever I am going through a tough time in life, writing it out, as jumbled as it may come out, makes me feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but it provides some monetary soothing.

I hope to see you around these parts more, sharing whatever you want.

Lorraine said...

When Something Big and Sad happened to my family last year, I kept writing even though all I wanted to write about was The Sad Thing. It was terrible. Everything I wrote was terrible. I was angry because no one knew what I refused to tell them.

Anyways, I understand so much walking away until you ready to write about it. Lots of times I wish I had.

And yeah, you do mean it. Condolences suck. Fuck a condolence.

Glad you made it back.

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Anonymous said...

So I've been lurking on your blog for awhile now -- anytime I need a laugh-my-ass-off reprieve, this is the stop I make. But I think this is the first time I'm commenting (I know, I've been such a grimey ho, taking and taking from your words and yet leaving no love, sorry).

Not a pity thing, and I know you said you don't want all the condolences and cliches. But I remember how lost and numb and weirdly normal/going-through-the-motions I was in the months after my dad died in my senior year of college. Now it's 7 years later, and despite what they said about time, it's never gotten easier. The immediate grief and shock, yeah, it's passed. But the older and the more milestones I experience in my life, the sadder I get about the fact that my pops can't see them all. He worked so hard -- was working hard when he dropped dead -- and it's not fair he got to see the product of all that, to see how his kids are turning out.

I know it's not exactly what you want to hear. But it fucking sucks. You'll be happy again. But there will be times when that sadness is so incredible and deep and overwhelming, and there's just nothing you can do about it. Except go rant about it anonymously on other people's blog when they're writing about their own deeply personal pain.

Also, I love this: "I feel like I'm on a new plain of existence, one that allows me to understand people more and appreciate the private battles that we all have." So unbelievably true.

This sounds weird, but I'm pulling for you. Hope you keep writing. That's one thing I wish I did after my pops died. I wish I'd let myself acknowledge the struggles and the sadness, or even just kept writing about trivial, normal shit. Now looking back through my (private) blog, I just feel like there was giant period of denial and nonexistence that's almost an insult to my dad.

Anyway, as long as you're writing, I'll be reading.

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I'll pray for you because you need serious spiritual intervention. You probably have no clue as to what your purpose is in life after reading your morally corrupt blogs. I can tell you are searching but you have been brought up to think of the man image as being one in the same as a vulgar, screw anything that looks good, foul mouthed man's man. There is a God whether you want to believe it or not and guess what?; He doesn't find anything about your blog humorous. You need serious help and I hope you get it one day.

Danaconda said...

Whoa, I haven't read my comments in awhile. Thanks for all the well wishes everyone!

Anonymous - Damn, that's some deep shit you just wrote me. Thank you! I definitely do need help...couldn't agree more. Just not in the way you depict, as I think you misconstrue satire for reality. I would suggest that you stop reading my blog, as it will only continue to frustrate you - if I ever keep posting. Hopefully I will soon. Good luck with everything.

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Risha said...

I wish you were writing again, Dan.
I hope 2013 ended well and that 2014 is proving to be excellent so far! x

Risha said...

Dan,

I don't know if you still get notifications when there's a new comment, but I thought I'd drop you a line anyway.

I was cleaning up my blogposts and working on tags and stuff when I (inevitably) fell down a rabbit hole of re-reading old comments.

You left me a comment on a post that I bared my soul (lol) on. You were so very kind. I kind of needed to have stumbled on that comment today. Thank you for the kindness you extended then, and for doing it especially when you didn't need to.

I hope you are happy and that you are well. Stay excellent, HP nerd.
x
Risha